Archive for January 2012
I should imagine by now that everyone in the world knows that I am a very famous Feline author of several bestselling (thankfully) books, the first ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ sold more copies than the Bible (when translated in to Inuit) and the second ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ is currently outselling the English language version of Steve Job’s biography in Uzbekistan to say nothing of the latest book from Newt Gingrich ‘Newt’s Tips On A Successful Marriage’ which concentrates on being faithful and has a foreword by prince Charles.
Unfortunately as yet neither of my masterpieces of Feline Literature have eclipsed sales of prince Andrew the Duke of York’s latest book ‘Dictators, Autocrats and Paedophiles I Know and Respect’ but then I suppose everyone wants to read a book written by the world’s most famous frequent flyer and discover how they could get so many free trips by displaying pure ignorance and a total lack of judgement. Just a thought I wonder if he will go back to Turkey where there is an outstanding arrest warrant for her ferginess the duchess of York?
And so on to my lovely picture today which I saw while researching my latest unputdownable book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue,’ look Newt and Andrew here is somewhere that will welcome you with open arms, just pop down to the Faith Baptist Church and as the sign says “you will fit right in!”
Just recently and for no reason really, except the website address is on the sign, I went onto the website for the Faith Baptist Church in New Brunswick, Canada and I promise you it was everything I hoped it would be from the ‘Donut Club’ to the desperately cheesy pictures of the happy families who “join us on Sunday.”
Sadly although I spent quite a long time on the website – ok three minutes but I promise you that was all I could bear I am only human oops ‘feline – I didn’t see a single family who looked ‘dysfunctional’ in any way whatsoever although one of the teenagers hanging from a tree looked more than a little strange.
Still I am sure that the sugar fuelled members of the Donut Club, which to quote the Faith Baptist Church’s professional copywriter exactly “The Donut Club is our mid-week children’s program for kids kindergarten through grade 5. Every week they enjoy music, games, a Bible lesson and a special visit from Duncan the Donut. Donut Club meets every Tuesday from 6:30-7:45pm,” will probably carry out sugar induced rampages at some point in time and if you wonder why just as yourself how many Donuts can a kid eat in an hour and fifteen minutes? The answer is an awful lot!
So the only really ‘dysfunctional’ thing about the Faith Baptist Church is their billboard, just look closely at the website and you won’t see any dysfunctional people, not even Duncan the Donut, which is a shame because they tend to be my favourites!
About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!
The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.
Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”
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This weekend in England it was the RSPB’s 33rd ‘Big Garden Birdwatch’ (the RSPB is the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds for all those who might not know which when you think about it is an enormous number of people) a weekend when friends and fanciers of our feathered friends gaze out into their gardens to identify and count the number of birds who have decided to land on their tiny patch of England that hasn’t as yet been repossessed by the banks.
Now I haven’t been in England for a few years but when I was there I didn’t just dedicate one weekend to watching English garden birds it was a full time occupation, I was always on the windowsill glued to the bird table or in the Spring watching our feathered cousins pick at the newly sown lawn.
So what on earth is the ‘Big Garden Birdwatch?’ Well to keep it simple, which is always nice, for 33 years now the RSPB have asked people to snoop on the feathered wildlife in their gardens, obviously as the RSPB is a charity there is no pay or reward and if you want to know the full results of the weekend’s activity you have to buy a report from them.
The Big Garden Birdwatch is believed to be the biggest “citizen science” exercise anywhere in the world and anyone can ‘join in’ all you have to do is to watch an open space, which can be your garden, a park or even a prison exercise yard for one hour and do that once a year and while you are watching the space just count the birds that land, unfortunately pouncing on them is frowned upon at all times by the RSPB and not only during the study. How was I suppose to know that? I’m a Cat after all.
So while you are watching your bit of England waiting for the flap of wings all you have to do is to count the birds that arrive and to avoid double counting you simply record the largest number of each species you see at any one moment.
The clever thing about this survey is that everyone taking part helps to create a countrywide snapshot of England’s ever changing populations of winter birds and over the years the survey has measured and confirmed the changes in populations of England’s birds which as last year’s survey reveals the number of species in England’s gardens stands at an impressive and mouthwatering 73!
So well done to the RSPB who have proved that not everything with a ‘royal’ connection is completely spoilt and useless, and they still think that they should be bought a new royal yacht but then that is another story that I have been trying to resist telling.
One bit of information from the Big Garden Birdwatch that I found interesting if not a little incriminating is that there number of birds in my old garden has increased dramatically since I left for central Europe where it’s reported the numbers of garden birds has begun to decline, nature is an odd thing isn’t it?
Below is a graph that has nothing to do with this blog article whatsoever but I think it makes it look ever so important and included it for that reason.
About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!
The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.
Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”
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I just wanted to say well done to my Translator Mr. John Woodcock because his ebook ‘Tram No6 – The Naughtiest of Trams’ which is the first book in the ‘The Trams of Prague’ series has started to sell really well as a the number of people who have colour ebook readers grows thanks to the enormous increase in sales of the Amazon Kindle Fire and the iPad.
Mr. John Woodcock says that he thinks the reason why ‘Tram No6 – The Naughtiest of Trams’ is selling so well is that it’s illustrated in colour through-out and was one of the first picture books written and developed for colour ereaders (probably why it stuck on the shelves of Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk for so long before they we’re invented – and not my first thought which was that he is a talentless nobody who is only employed as my translator because he is the only human in the world who can speak Cat. You will know exactly what I think of him if you have read my book ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ which out sells Mr. John Woodcock’s book by thousands to one!
Of course I very rarely make references to other books when I can always mention my own which are such masterpieces but there is always a first time for everything as my Mum said when she was strapping the Bungee cord to her ankle, which of course is another story… which I am writing at the moment and Mr. John Woodcock is desperately trying to translate!
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They say you can get a lot of things in Bangkok and as this sign demonstrates ‘anything’ means ‘anything’ in Bangkok unless of course the translator misread the word he or she was supposed to translate for the sign and had ‘testicles’ on the brain – not a nice mental picture.
As for this unfortunate Cat I wouldn’t be able to have a testicle massage in Bangkok as readers of my first book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ will recall. Some nice person mentioned to me as I was writing this paragraph that that was a bit sad, ‘A BIT SAD!’ Huh I would call it a crime agains Cat kind!
Lastly what has ‘SMILE TEEN MASSAGE’ got to do with anything? Answers in the usual format please unless this Cat has completely misunderstood what a ‘smiling teen’ has to do with a ‘testicle massage,’ then I think that your answers should be in private only!
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A lot of newspapers recently have been carrying a story about an 85 year old pensioner being hit on the head by a Cat in Buenos Aires in July. The pensioner was knocked unconscious and was in a coma for a long while after being hit by the Cat and has never really recovered from the incident. The Cat wasn’t so fortunate and didn’t survive the fall from the fourth storey.
So what was a fine looking Cat doing falling four stories I hear you ask? Images come to mind of a devil may care feline tethering on a window ledge 50 feet in the air come to mind, or a swashbuckling puss walking a tightrope of telephone wires strung from one building to another. Sadly the truth of what happened to this poor Cat is not only rather mundane it is also absolutely disgusting.
Apparently a couple on the forth floor were having a blazing row, can you see where this is going, no I bet you can’t dear cuddly reader but then you are a normal well adjusted individual! What happened is so bizarre it wouldn’t even appear in one of my books, during their quarrel the husband picked up the family pet and threw it at his wife, but she ducked and the Cat sailed through an open window.
Can you imagine what went through the husband’s head at that moment, “I hate you and I am going to kill you, I will kill you with a um… err… a… yes I know a Cat.’ What was he thinking! I am afraid I don’t know.
There has been a lot of discussion about the injuries to the pensioner of course and her family seem to expect compensation for her quite rightly, but sadly as happens in these cases all too often no one seems to be saying, until now – this. “The person who did this is one of the cruelest most disgusting individuals on the planet and The Cat hopes that something really very awful happens to him.”
What is it with some of you humans and Cats, we aren’t vases, blunt instruments or any other kind of deadly weapons, please stop treating us as though we are inanimate.
About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!
The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.
Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”
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Sometimes you see a sign that really asks more questions than it answers, just like this one from the masters of misinformation and translation, the Japanese bless them.
This sign from a Monkey Park (yes you guessed right) is one of the best exhibits of the Japanese tradition of ‘Ru-bbishy’ which roughly translated means ‘nonsense signage.’
I am afraid that is all of the information I can give my dear cuddly readers I thought the Monkey Park was lovely and so did the Monkeys but I never discovered exactly what the Bird and Deer look for which is quite sad because if I had I would have been able to tell everyone in my latest masterpiece of feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ and put some of the other pictures I took of Japan on the Cat’s Diary www-wickedlywonderfulwebsite www.thecatsdiary.com.
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I saw this picture and the first thing that came to mind was “what are they thinking about when they wrote this sign?” The answer of course is nothing, no thought whatsoever was used in making this sign, was it?
England has some strange by-laws which come from its dark past (around the time of Mrs. Thatcher’s iron rule) and so I worry for the people who put this sign on a Post Box. It is not only illegal to do something like that but I would imagine carries a sever punishment under the archaic laws of the land. The perpetrators will probably have their Sheep taken away and have their children put into the service of the crown just for starters.
I have always wanted any opportunity to tell my wonderful cuddly readers about some of the mad laws that are still ‘law’ (if you see what I mean) in England and now seems like the perfect chance.
Did you know that it’s illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament? That it’s a treasonable act to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen’s image upside down, though of course you can lick the stamp as much as you like!
There are lots of really dumb laws that benefit the English royals one that comes to mind is that the head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the king, and the tail of the queen. What on earth do they want them for?
And when you start to really delve into the nonsense that is English law you discover that eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned, obviously instead of tucking into Christmas delicacies the law expects ordinary people to be doing something useful and as England is rarely not at war keeping their fighting skills honed is important.
To ensure that Englishmen are ready for war the law of the land still says that all English Men over 14 must have two hours of longbow practice each weekend which has to be supervised by the local clergy.
And don’t ever think that an English person can become as rich as the royal family for example, because under the oddest of English laws and indeed one of the most modern (Tax Avoidance Schemes – Prescribed Descriptions of Arrangements – Regulations 2006) it’s illegal not to tell the taxman something you don’t want him to know on the other hand not telling him things you don’t mind him knowing is fine.
About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!
The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.
Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”
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I have never ever believed in making New Year’s resolutions mainly because if I wanted to stop doing something, give up something, or generally be a better member of society waiting until the New Year came around seemed to be pointless because it only comes around once every year.
Mind you if you really don’t want to give up something, modify your behaviour or do whatever it is that a New Year’s resolution would make you do then the once a year thing works just fine, but maybe people who find it difficult working to such short deadlines should start to make resolutions on February 29th I have a feeling that “Leap Year Resolutions” would be best for them.
Obviously the main advantage of “Leap Year Resolutions” is that you have plenty of time to plan just how you are going to keep them and of course if you really enjoy what you are about to give up then you have plenty of time to enjoy it right up until the deadline.
Actually don’t you think that it’s odd that the things we really like doing like eating Chocolate, drinking red wine and so on are the subjects of New Year’s and in the future Leap Year’s Resolutions? Why is it that we should give up the things we like and vow to take up jogging or visit the Gym more often? Beats me! But then that might be a subject for another blog.
All of which bring me round nicely to the title of this blog ‘how many New Year’s Resolutions have you broken so far?’ And indeed offers a new question – how many of the things that you decided to do/give up in your New Year’s Resolutions were things that you didn’t want to stop doing or of course not start in the first place – such as more trips to the Gym etc?
I don’t think that we should not look after ourselves but let’s face it who among us are as mad as Jane Fonda and want to exercise for most of the day and still have to get our publicity shots headily Photoshopped. Not me but then my face is covered in a dense layer of fur which hides any wrinkles I might have, not that I am saying I have any, so I have an advantage over most of my readers here who would be, if they were like little old me, at the electrolysis clinic for hours on end everyday. Being a Cat has so many advantages doesn’t it?
As the cartoon below shows you have to ask yourself a lot of difficult questions about any New Year’s Resolutions which you may be considering and if you are like Mary Poppins and though in a less icky way like me ‘practically perfect in every way’ then why should you be even thinking of making any New Year’s Resolutions in the first place?
I think if you want to wear a hair shirt and make a New Year’s Resolutions to give up something or change something about yourself just because you think others might expect it of you, you should stop thinking like that immediately and do something really useful that will make an impact, send me the money you would save by not doing what ever it is you were doing and I promise to enjoy every cent, even after I have bought a Motor Yacht that is six inches bigger than Steven Spielberg’s.
There I hope that makes you all feel much better because it isn’t such a bad thing to have little or no will power, let’s face it it is what most if not all of the institutions around the world today rely on, us being so easy to manage and guilt ridden to say nothing of hoping our attention spans are the same as Goldfish – here I am mainly thinking about banks and bankers. Happily that lack of will power and short attention span is not an affliction that affects Cats in any way whatsoever it is so great to be a Cat and so much better to be The Cat who writes blogs.
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I remember writing a little song in my first masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ called ‘There is nothing like a Prawn’ to the musical theme first used in movie musical ‘South Pacific’ because I love Prawns. Prawns are wonderful even when they are eaten the Brazilian way with their little jackets on and tend towards ‘crunch’ if you see what I mean!
Although Prawns are my favourite shellfish I have also enjoyed the fleeting company of Lobsters, Crab, Langoustines, Shrimp (the tiny English ones) and of course Mussels, but I refused to eat what was on this menu in Hanoi, Vietnam and I ask you can you blame me?
Even when crap meat is rolled twice in Salmon skin and friend it hardly sounds like a delicacy does it? In fact the idea of it put me right off my Roasted Salmon Head and I walked out of the establishment that bravely called itself a restaurant feeling hungry and let down.
About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!
The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.
Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”
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I have seen some daft signs in my time but this one makes my cookie crumble, if you see what I mean!
Why would someone want to put CCTV in a wood? And where did they go to school? Are two of the questions that come to mind.
Still it;s a nice copse and if the CCTV is in colour then it probably makes attractive viewing, though I think we can rule out ‘interesting’ viewing don’t you dear reader?
The CCTV can’t have been installed to protect the trees can’t it? After all if you want to protect a tree you don’t hammer a six inch nail into it to hang a sign from do you?
You humans are definitely mad, well most of you, not my wonderfully cuddly readers of course, they are extremely smart because they have bought my books ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ by the hundreds of thousands and I have to say that I love them for it, thank you so very much.
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The Cat's Blog - www.thecatsdiary.com 