Archive for November 2011

Everyone Loves A Fart Joke   Leave a comment

As the title says, everyone loves a fart joke although in my books and blogs I try to keep farting to a minimum, but it creeps in occasionally – as the actress said to the Bishop! Boom Boom!

Even though I do try to stop a fart appearing now and again in my books and blogs, the Cat who writes blogs couldn’t resist this photograph which I think should be entitled Where To Shop For A Small Explosion that being the first bit of the first line of the definition of a ‘fart’ in the 26 or so volume Oxford English Dictionary which adds that “the small explosion takes place between the legs” bless them – the dictionary people not the farters you understand!

Where To Shop For A Small Explosion

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Shoes, Feet And Other ‘Insults’   2 comments

I was going through some old pictures and when I came across this one (below) it reminded me of my aimless wanderings that resulted in the writing of my wonderful masterpiece ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ (if you are one of the few people on the planet not to have a copy you can get it discreetly here www.amazon.com and no one will ever know that you didn’t have one of the latest trendiest ‘must have consumer products’ because you can pretend that you had it all the time).

In The UAE They Dream Of The Sea

The picture comes from the ultra modern high rising cement constructed emirate of UAE and brought back all sorts of dreadful memories of a place where the contradictions of life are many, various and confusing to say nothing of their translations into English!

Imagine spending $20 billion on an hotel – imagine the Burj Khalifa – and then try to imagine why you wouldn’t spend $20 on correctly translating a sign from Gulf Arabic to English, if you can do that then you can imagine just what life is like in Dubai or the UAE!

The UAE is a place where ‘foreigners’ are loathed, but welcomed so that they can fill the seven star hotels and try their hardest to buy at least a tenth of all of the dreadful modern and over priced real estate that has been thrown up for them on newly created ‘islands’ in the middle of enormous lagoons which are now sadly sinking back into the depths of the lagoons from where they were dredged up.

UAE

The UAE is a place that likes to pretend that it is modern, go ahead and forward thinking but can’t do more than pretend, take a recent innocent example of a multinational shoe manufacturer (Puma) who thought that the very rich inhabitants of the UAE and the tourists, who troll around the place gaping at the enormous buildings, pleasure parks and the greater number of building sites where construction has ground to a halt, would like a pair of trainers with the UAE flag plastered all over them.

These ‘special edition shoes’ (whatever that can possibly mean) were intended to mark the 40th UAE National Day. All that Puma had to do was to make them and put a stupidly high price on them ($190 because they are special I suppose), stick them in their own stores and ‘bam’ they would be a few million dollars richer even if half of the products sold would have to be returned because they were so badly made in China.

UAE PUMAS

Well it was a brilliant marketing plan what could go wrong?

What went wrong was simple the very conservative inhabitants of the UAE didn’t like the the fact that the nations flag colours were being used on shoes!

At this moment it might be a good idea to cast your mind back to the Iraq war, just at the end when America was being thanked and celebrated before the Iraqis changed their minds, when the enormous statue of old walrus face was toppled and locals started hitting it with their shoes.

Saddam Statue Shoe Attack

Then a short while later after the Iraqis had forgotten all about the repression of the old ways under the tough guy with the big soup strainer and more importantly who had rescued them from torture and terrible moustaches some idiot threw a shoe at Pres. Georgie B, can you see a pattern emerging here?

Pres Bush Shoe

For some reason in the Arab world, best known only to Arabs, feet and footwear are considered dirty, the Cat who writes blogs thinks that it is such a shame that there isn’t more widespread use shoe polish and foot baths in the Arab world as that surely would sort of solve little problems like this and then the UAE could make a better pretence of being what it pretends to be – a modern country that is a great place for tourists and second home owners. Because as incidents like this demonstrate currently the mind set of the people is still firmly entrenched in prehistoric Wadi mud, remember the Cat who writes blogs is just a Cat and Cats aren’t as clever as humans! Are they? But I have to say this I am glad that Cats have Paws and not feet and never wear shoes, unless they are dressed up by idiot humans – but that is the subject of another blog and nothing to do with this one!

Just imagine for a moment if we were so precious about the British Union Jack or the American Stars and Stripes, we would have tacky mugs, tea towels and souvenir shop rubbish in general, Jimi Hendrix’s masterpiece of guitar playing the ‘Star Spangled Banner’ would be lost forever and we would never have had anything to roll our ‘herbal’ cigarettes in at college would we?

US Flag Joint

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Even More Snow On The Cat’s Website   2 comments

Silly me when I was showing everyone yesterday the picture of the snow on my blog here The Cat’s Blog I forgot to include a snapette of the even more snow that’s falling over the picture at the top of the page on The Cat’s Website or to put it another way my http://www.wickedlywonderfulwebsite www.thecatsdiary.com and so I thought I would rectify that immediately, but then I went to sleep in the afternoon yesterday and then sadly it completely slipped my mind when I woke up to eat a very late supper.

Happily I had made a note to resolve the problem today and as the sticky note I used somehow managed to attach itself to my paw I couldn’t fail to remember, though I have to say I would have done it earlier if ‘Postit’ notes were more ‘attracted’ to sticking to computer screens, tables and indeed each other rather than they are to fur and pad skin!

Still here is the picture for you dear cuddly readers before I get carried away about the odd attractions that sticky things have – I’m sure I can wait and get carried away in the next paragraph!

Even More Snow

Have you noticed just how annoying sticky things are? Masking tape is probably the most useless sticky thing I can think of, it promises to lightly adhere to most things for a while and then be easily removed not leaving any marks, sticky patches or other nasty stuff. But it doesn’t want to stick to anything apart from fur, paw pad skin and itself does it? And it does this by hanging limply from walls, where it has been used as a mask prior to painting, just waiting for an innocent Cat to nonchalantly stroll by minding his own business until he becomes ever more embroiled in yards and yards of the stuff that need little or no encouragement to wrap itself ever more tightly around a stomach that will, it promises, be on a diet in the new year as part of a whole Feline detox programme.

I could go on about the pointlessness of sticky tape in all forms, but while typing I am trying to remove a line of masking tape from my err… how can I put this um… bottom! It isn’t easy for the Cat who writes blogs to write the aforementioned communication when he has his ass masked! Is it?

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Snow Comes To My Website & Blog   Leave a comment

Once again this year to celebrate the season, Christmas and of course because I like the effect a lot, it has started snowing on The Cat’s Blog and my http://www.wickedlywonderfulwebsite www.thecatsdiary.com, or to be more accurate because as I explain in both my books Cat’s have a dreadful curse, we can’t tell a lie, it’s snowing all over The Cat’s Blog but only over the picture at the top of the page on my my http://www.wickedlywonderfulwebsite www.thecatsdiary.com.

I don’t know if you can see the snow in the picture below but I can truthfully say that it’s there (not being able to tell a lie is such a curse, I can tell you) maybe you should go to The Cat’s Blog and check out all the lovely snow for yourself.

There is also something new about the snow for this year on The Cat’s Blog and that is that you can make the snow go mad, change direction and even rather godlike make the snow stop! Just by using your mouse, track pad or if you are reading my The Cat’s Blog using an iPhone, iPad or iPod touch – your finger!

I wonder if that’s how god does the things he does? If that is there is a god ‘up there’ you have to imagine a Cat pointing his paw in a confused way ‘up’ as you read this bit!

Snow on Blog

Very soon this Christmasy kind Cat who writes blogs is going to bring you the ever popular Christmas lights to both The Cat’s Blog and my http://www.wickedlywonderfulwebsite www.thecatsdiary.com and yes don’t worry just like last year you will be able to pop, smash and generally destroy the pretty little twinkling lights when the ‘pleasure’ of all that Christmas fixed smile giving and general ‘joy’ gets the better of you and you feel an overriding urge to smash something.

Xmas Holly.png

Now for a little Christmas Quiz

Question: Where can you buy copies of my wonderful books?

Answer: Here!

Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary

Paperback edition of Getting Out at Amazon.com

Kindle edition of Getting Out at Amazon.com

The Cat’s Travelogue

Paperback edition of

The Cat’s Travelogue

Kindle edition of The Cat’s Travelogue

Mmh I don’t think I’ve quite got the idea or format of quizzes right, don’t worry I will keep trying while you go off and jingle you own bells – don’t you just love Christmastide?

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Stock of My Travelogue Arrives At My Webstore   Leave a comment

At long last we have stocks of my latest and to date most wonderful masterpiece of feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ at my www-WickedlyWonderfulWebsite’s Store.

My book delivery Time Square NY

Quite frankly it has taken so long to get stocks because my wonderfully discerning and cuddly readers have been buying my wonderful book just as quickly as it has been printed and rushed to shops in enormous trucks and of course our biggest retailer www.amazon.com.

So now you can get your copy of ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ direct from the wonderful furry author and while reading it imagine I am sitting on your lap, and don’t forget as dear Clint Eastwood says for a few dollars more you can have what we now call the ‘Exclusive’ edition which will be signed by me and by my translator Mr. John Woodcock in one of his lucid moments.

Travelogue by John Woodcock

So, I have my paws crossed and I’m waiting patiently, hoping that all of my dear cuddly readers know what to do next and won’t disappoint me by not going to www-WickedlyWonderfulWebsite’s Store and buying at least one copy of my marvellous travelogue, if you liked ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ I have a feeling you are going to love ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ and if you didn’t, then I don’t mind if you buy a few copies and give it to your least favourite relatives.

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Black Friday   Leave a comment

Here is a big tip from a little financial genius ‘The Cat’ on Black Friday. Whatever you buy today and of course I hope it is at least a dozen of each of my books, do spend any Euros you have because it looks like the whole thing is going to come crashing down in flames and odd bits of nasty around the ears of the Germans and French leaving a sort of garlicky sausage smell in its wake.

Flaming Euro

And when the Euro balloon pop finally does go pop do you really think that there will be a lot of sour krauts around? Well the honest answer is no! Most of the Germans led by a shadowy ex-East German, who is only know by the code name Angela Merkel, want their beloved Deutsche Mark back as soon as possible and nothing whatever to do with the over sexed latin nations led by the folies at the Palais Bourbon, by the Seine.

I suppose you would like to know just how this clever Cat got all of the latest information, well it’s simple! Who notices a Cat as it slinks around the furniture even in the places and palaces of power, the answer is of course no one!

Just think of all of the information I collect as I wander the halls of power and fame, to say nothing of the things I see, here is a classic example of what I mean, a pushy German poking a pretend Russian muscleman who just after this picture was taken burst into tears complaining that “она была запугивание его, и что не было разрешено, потому что он крутой парень” or in English “she was bullying him and that was not allowed because he was a tough guy!” tee hee.

Putin Merkel The Cat

You would be surprised with what I have seen and heard and I have to say so am I! So if you want the inside track on world events then keep reading my blog, later I am off to an Hotel just off Rodeo Drive to keep an eye on an unmarried young member of the royal family and a junior officer in the British Army to see if he can not only keep it real but clean, although on past performances I doubt if he can do either!

Harrytitsthumb1

That is right prince harry we are watching you and of course all of the other Troggs of course!

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Thanksgiving Bombshell – Happy Thanksgiving To All My Readers   Leave a comment

I’m a very inquisitive Cat and so usually I like to find out a lot of interesting information about places, events and so on and so forth and then turn them into little jokes, you just have to read either ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ or ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ to know that; which is why I think I have failed the entire American Nation today and that makes me at the very least very downcast.

It seems a shame that there just isn’t much to say about Thanksgiving that is particularly interesting, weird or funny if, that is, you want to talk about odd traditions and practices and I do.

Yes I’ll admit there are some strange Thanksgiving Day notions such as the one that says you have to knock a few times on wood before putting the Turkey into the oven so that it will be tender and succulent, to say nothing of the fact that it’s best to first check the Turkey’s pulse! But that isn’t really an odd tradition like the ones that lurk around old Europe as Pres. George Bush once called us lot over here.

You know the sort of odd tradition I’m talking about like the one in Scotland where you must carry a bit of coal in your pocket as you go from dozens of strangers houses on New Year’s Eve and drink vast quantities of other people’s Scotch Whiskey, that’s called either ‘Firstfooting or ‘First Footing.’

I’m afraid I have no idea which is right ‘Firstfooting or ‘First Footing’ because both words are always said with a Scottish accent which as we all know is very close to incomprehensible nonsense at the best of times and totally alien on New Year’s Eve due to the vast amounts of Scotch Whiskey consumed by the speaker which has an effect not only on the amount of slur added to a Scots persons speech but also the number of ‘o’s’ added to words that not only contain ‘o’s’ normally but ones that have never been spelt with an ‘o’ before! To say nothing of the fact that if you look up ‘Firstfooting or ‘First Footing’on the internet all of the results are in American from the awful Wikipedia to the Websters Dictionary they use ‘First-Footing’ with a hyphen between the words and that in the main apart from where it has been used for centuries in the surnames by a few mad aristocratic English families and more recently by a lot of ethnic unmarried couples, is an American invention.

The only thing that is clear about ‘Firstfooting or ‘First Footing,’ as the picture below shows, is that you don’t have to be Scottish, look ridiculous and talk nonsense to join in the fun or indeed even wear a kilt!

Prince c in kilt

In fact it seems that the Scots didn’t invent the practice of ‘Firstfooting or ‘First Footing’ it gets its name from a Manx Gaelic word ‘Quaaltagh’ so it would seem that the Scots ‘borrowed’ the tradition from the Isle of Man.

‘Firstfooting or ‘First Footing’ is also practiced by the Serb nation who celebrate Polažajnik on New year’s Eve where they go to other people’s houses and get drunk. Even during the worst persecutions of their neighbours in the 1980’s the Serbs didn’t stop the custom.

The Greeks use a word similar to the Serb ‘Polažajnik’ when they go from house to house getting drunk on New Year’s Eve it is ‘Podariko’ for any of you who are vaguely interested and aren’t wondering what on Earth this all has to do with Thanksgiving like I have to say the writer!

So back to Thanksgiving! Happily (for me) I did discover one potential bombshell about Thanksgiving though and that is that if Thanksgiving has officially been an annual tradition since 1863, when during the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed a national day of thanksgiving to be celebrated on Thursday, November 26th 1863 it may not be a day of celebration for the whole country!

Abe Lincoln

I hear you ask what does that mad Cat mean?

Well if President (of the Union States only) Abraham Lincoln proclaimed a national day of thanksgiving in the middle of the Civil War only the North would have observed it, I can’t imagine President Jefferson Davis and the rest of the Southern Nation embracing a Northern President’s ideas can you?

Not only that in 1861 President Jefferson Davis issued this proclamation about Thanksgiving Day which said it should be “a day of fasting, humiliation and prayer,” now that doesn’t sound like the sort of day that most Americans are going to have today does it? Although I expect it would make Turkeys all over the United States very happy indeed.

Jeff Davis

The reason why the Confederate States of America celebrated Thanksgiving Day for the first time in 1861 was not really Pilgrim related either. It was to celebrate a series of victories by Confederate forces in the east and west of the CSA and that’s probably not something that dear old Abe had in mind when he ‘invented’ Thanksgiving in 1863 is it.

Isn’t history wonderful?

So to lighten the mood and possibly to prevent a war between the south and north of America breaking out once again here are some Thanksgiving jokes.

Why did the Pilgrims eat Turkey at Thanksgiving?

Because they couldn’t fit a Moose in the oven!

What’s the best way to stuff a Turkey?

Get it to eat lots of pizza and ice cream!

If the Pilgrims were alive today what would they be most famous for?

Their age of course!

If you do want to hear loads of exciting, unusual and generally hilariously dotty traditions, practices and other mad things that humans get up to, let alone this Cat, then you could do no worse than read either, or better still both, of my wonderful works of feline literary genius which happily you can find either as paperback or ebooks here!

Paperback edition of Getting Out at Amazon.com

Kindle edition of Getting Out at Amazon.com

Paperback edition of The Cat’s Travelogue at Amazon.com

Kindle edition of The Cat’s Travelogue at Amazon.com

Lastly the really good news about Thanksgiving Day is that it was made in America (based on an English idea) and not made in China (copied from every nation’s original thought) and that means that it will last forever and not have been broken before it was taken out of the box, like all expensive rubbish that the hamfisted Chinese knock up over there!

I HOPE THAT YOU ALL HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING AND PURRS TO ALL MY CUDDLY READERS

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