Archive for January 2011

Monday Blog   Leave a comment

Here in the western world it is Monday, in Europe it is snowy and in the middle of Europe it is frosty. It’s very cold indeed and if I didn’t need to go to the studio today I don’t think I would risk my paw pads on the frozen ground, but I have a duty to my fans and that means that soon I will be out of the door and off to write a film script or two – I am a cat that just goes on giving aren’t I?

As I am in a little bit of a hurry, again, sorry! I though that I would give you a lovely little sign, again, sorry!

Here, looking out at the cold, and really looking forward to getting into it, I can see that the trees are covered in an air frost, I would impress you dear readers and tell you that it is a ‘hoar’ or ‘rime’ frost because one of those is airborne but for the life of me I couldn’t tell you which is which, not only that I think there is another ‘frost’ who’s name I have forgotten and of course air frost could be that – darn why are Cat’s so honest I could have easily said that the ‘hoar’ frost has covered the tress you humans wouldn’t have known the difference but I ‘have’ to tell the truth it is a species wide problem.

Still the trees look nice here they are mainly 30 foot tall Christmas trees although further on the streets are lined with Pear, Cherry and Apple trees which oddly enough does not effect the sale of those fruit from the supermarkets. Mind you unlike the ‘Proles’ here I collect the fruit and bottle it, yes it is an odd hobby for a Cat but then I am not a normal Cat.

Anyway the trees do look nice and we should always remember to look after our trees because they look after us unfortunately that desire to look after trees can go to far – see the sign below.

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About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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What’s This? A Sign!   2 comments

Signs and indeed labels are very important they impart crucial information that help you and I lead a normal life – well that’s the idea!

Sometimes things go wrong and you get ‘slippery pedestrians.’

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Or very strange plants!

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And then if you are unlucky enough to be in an Arab country you can enjoy a good dose of what the locals enjoy… oh sorry I can’t bring myself to type ‘Salticrax’ do you blame me?

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About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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I Very Rarely Return To A Subject   2 comments

As the title says it isn’t of ten that I revisit a subject – unless of course the over indulgent actions of a particular royal family – but that aside I had to show you all this picture from the race that I mentioned yesterday.

Another ‘friend’ who was at the event sent me the picture below and from it you can see just how dreadfully daft sled Dogs really are.

Just look at the chap in this picture he is looking forward to a grueling 1000 km or 620 mile race over 11 days and does he seem in awe of the prospect, of course he doesn’t there is no intelligent thought going on behind his eyes what so ever except he is probably thinking ‘mmh these booties are tight – I wish I was wearing blue ones!’

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You know I am so glad that I’m a Cat!

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Facebook Is Laughable!   Leave a comment

I thought as there had been a few stories recently about yours truly and wonderful, intelligent Cats in general I would give you humans a human story for a change.

Everyone knows Facebook.com I suppose and most people if you tie them to a chair and shine a light into their eyes for long enough would recognise Kate Middleton, the mousey young woman who is going to marry prince thingy in a couple of months and together they are going to raise the spirits of a bedraggled nation, or cost that nation a small fortune for a wedding, your choice depending upon whether you support the monarchy or are a grown up, but it has to be remembered that only one Kate Middleton is going to marry the balding prince thingy.

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So why can’t Facebook, a social something or other network, realise that there may well be humans with the same name in their system – let me explain.

It may come as a shock to you and I know it will to Facebook if they ever enter the real world, but the world is full of ‘Kates’ – they are young and younger women who were called ‘Kate’ by their proud parents. Kate is a girl’s name after all and incidentally means ‘pure!’

The name Kate is a shortening for the longer female name of Katherine which can also be shortened further to ‘Kat’ which is nothing to do with us felines I have to say, the name ‘Kat’ has more to do with err… how can I put this more – down to earth people, ok common people.

According to WikiAnswers.com there are 200,679 Kate’s or Katherine’s in total in the world but quite frankly that answer could be like most answers from that website either total rubbish, copied from Wikipedia (which I believe is more or less on a par with rubbish) or completely and utterly untrue.

The ‘fact’ that there are so many ‘Kates’ in the world is something that anyone with an average IQ would agree to and frankly you can decide if you believe WikiAnswers.com or not because the numbers are not important, the most important fact about the name ‘Kate’ is that there are a lot of women, and of course to ensure that this Cat isn’t being sexist probably some men, called ‘Kate.’

So what does all that mean? Well a few things, up to 400,857 parents liked the name Kate, the name Kate is a bit common, the name Kate is nothing special really!

Usually females called Kate have a last name, and some of those will be unfortunate enough to have the last name of ‘Middleton’ it is also a reasonably common name.

Currently in the United Kingdom there are 20,573 people with the last name ‘Middleton’ where it is ranked the 269th most popular surname in the country.

In the United States of America there are nearly double the number of people with the surname of Middleton 40,708, but because there are more people in the states the surname is ranked only 771st, all of which means that as with the christian name ‘Kate,’ ‘Middleton’ is a common name and there is nothing what so ever wrong with that – is there folks?

Well let me rephrase that – there is nothing wrong with that unless you just happen to be called Kate Middleton and are on Facebook the well known and dreadfully dull way to keep in touch with people you would normally avoid but ‘befriended’ when they asked to avoid a confrontation of some sort where it would seem that the idiots are in charge of the controls.

Now why does that “know it all of a Cat” say that against poor defenceless but awfully profitable Facebook? Well the answer is simple to this Cat and I am sure that you humans will catch up eventually!

Recently the intellectually challenged minors at Facebook who ‘control and regulate’ Facebook decided to suspend the account of a 29 year old lady from Northants UK because oddly enough she was called ‘Kate Middleton.’ But as we have seen above the names Kate and Middleton are not uncommon and of course it is almost certain that these two names would be linked together by a pair or more of loving parents who named little Kate, Kate when she was a baby.

Little did these unsuspecting but proud parents know that 29 years later another ‘Kate’ an unremarkable woman with mouse-bum brown hair would be marrying a balding British prince who is second in line to a redundant throne and in turn be risking the family curse of divorce after a few years as her husband to be’s Father, Uncle and Aunt all suffered from that curse, divorce must run in the family and the family and its members must be dreadfully hard to live with.

So Kate Middleton’s Mum and Dad didn’t think that there would be any problems calling Kate ‘Kate’ and when Kate Middleton joined the oh so mundane website Facebook they accepted her as yet another person that they could flog crap to through their soon-to-be launched advertising system that rivals Google.com in its pointlessness.

Unfortunately Kate Middleton who is a Healthcare Assistant has recently had her Facebook account suspended because the ‘clever people’ at Facebook said that she had registered on their network with a fake name – as if they would know what a fake name is, does anyone know what ‘facebook’ means?

So why have the dicks that are clever at Facebook victimised this particular Kate Middleton and deny her access to her library of contacts and photographs, well unfortunately the answer is all too simple some other Kate Middleton will be marrying a balding British prince and be risking divorce in a few years in April and the British and obviously Facebook are wetting themselves in anticipation and excitement indeed Facebook has moved to stop anybody impersonating that particular unfortunate Kate Middleton.

Now I am only a Cat, yes a clever one, but still a Cat and I think that before banning this Kate Middleton I would think that Facebook should have had a look at this Kate Middleton’s pictures, read her bio, or even contacted her to establish that she was a real Kate Middleton before denying her access to her account if they had had the courtesy to do that they would have realised that this Kate Middleton was who she said she was.

There is of course a hint there if Facebook needed one – the real Kate Middleton doesn’t have any pictures of her standing next to a balding British prince and his dreadful family in exotic locations, shooting things and doing all of the action-girl/boy stuff that you can do when you are living in sin with a rich playboy.

Not only that, the real Kate Middleton not only had a Facebook page but she also has a boyfriend all of her own – his name is ‘Jonathan Ross.’ Mr. Ross has a Facebook page all of his own. The irony is that Jonathan Ross is also the name of a reasonably famous British television presenter and by all rights – well Facebook’s rights that is – Kate Midddleton’s boyfriend Jonathan Ross should have his account suspended for impersonation as well shouldn’t he?

Of course there is worse to come from the idiots at Facebook who, despite repeated attempts from the real Kate Middleton to have her account reinstated, have ignored her communication. All of which is really rather galling when you consider that Kate has pictures of her nephew on Facebook who is growing up, and all of her contacts, some of those she hasn’t seen for 15 years since she was at school.

Just in case you are like Facebook – terminally confused – here are two pictures of Kates – the top one is a real Kate and guess what, so is the bottom one, she is just another Kate Middleton!

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The Real Kate Middleton

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Another Kate Middleton

Of course this is just a tea cup with a storm raging in it, but if you think about it for a moment there are some really worrying issues here:

The first is that Facebook is acting as a self appointed censor on behalf of the British royal family who do a lot of dreadful things and expect far too much from an ungrateful nation, but even that bunch of ego maniacs probably wouldn’t ask Facebook to do a ‘King Herod’ act and get rid of all of the ‘other’ Kate Middletons in the world just because one was about to realise a little girl’s dream and become a princess.

The second issue is just plain worrying. Facebook do not allow you to communicate with them – they just ignore you and that is because they are too busy with the other five hundred and ninety nine million, nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine other users! Let’s face it, no system can cope with 600 million users personally and of course Facebook don’t actually care about you, all they want you to do is to click on ads just like Google.com and make them even more cash.

The Third and probably most important issue here is this – there is a move from companies such as Google.com, Apple.com and Microsoft.com, who are all entirely capable of making terrible miscalculations of judgement about the real world, to get you and I to use something called ‘Cloud Computing’ where you entrust these idiots with all of your computer ‘stuff’ and they house it in a ‘cloud’ on their computers to keep it safe and save you the stress of having it all on your own perfectly good computer.

The aforementioned ‘stuff’ of course can be anything, personal information, financial information, your treasured electronic pictures – I am sure that you are getting the idea here.

So what happens if in the future these idiots do a Facebook and say that you are an impostor and deny you access to your ‘stuff’ what are you going to do? Nothing is the answer, you and I are powerless against these fools so do the only thing you can and don’t trust these berks in the first place and of course ignore the royal wedding in April the people involved are just a lot of expensive attention seekers who mistakenly believe that they do the UK some good – they like Facebook.com are so very wrong!

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Bow Wows In Booties   Leave a comment

Recently a ‘friend’ sent me this picture of some sled Dogs taking part in the ‘La Grande Odyssee’ which is an 11 day Dog sled race for six Dogs and one human which takes place across the French and Swiss Alps.

The humans get to dress normally for the cold while it appears that the Dogs have to endure a fashion handicap ‘bow wow booties.’

As you can can see from this picture taken high up in the French Alps at the start of the event these sled Dogs are really not very happy, now I am guessing but that might have to do with the fact that they are tied together and the back four are already complaining about the front two Dog’s… err, how can I put this ‘exhaust;’and of course the fact that the clown pulling at number two didn’t check the dress code with the other five.

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His excuse was apparently “I’m the head Dog and I have to have blue booties to show my rank!” One observer said that she thought the Dog pulling at number two look rather pleased with himself maybe he just feels that blue is ‘his’ colour.

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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The Cat Goes To The Mystic East And Starves!   2 comments

As the title says I have been to the mystic east – they call it that because no one knows what they are doing and therefore daily life is as much a mystery to the people there as it is to the casual tourist!

Having said that I loved Japan and its exotic mystery but when it comes to food the mystery deepens and frankly I was just to confused to eat to say nothing of being afraid of the descriptions of the food.

Here are two examples of ‘simple’ (you would think) juice and ice cream treats available in Tokyo.

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Cool what?

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Bluebelly lovely!

Things got worst I have to say when I went to Hong Kong, Dave the Cat had wandered off which is why this menu seemed somehow ominous.

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Braised fresh Dave – No!

So what was I doing in the mystic east apart from starving of course, well I am over half way through my ‘Travelogue’ it is going to be my next book and will soon be out on Amazon.com, any really good bookshop, www.thecatsdiary.com and frankly hundreds of thousands of top quality stockists just like my latest masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ which will be a movie one of these days.

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Trams of Prague   Leave a comment

It has come to my attention that people are buying a book which was written and illustrated without any of my help by my translator John Woodcock called ‘Trams of Prague’ when they buy a copy of my book at Amazon.com and also at the store on my www – wickedly wonderful website here my store at www.thecatsdiary.com.

Actually I have given it a read and I have to say that it isn’t bad and the illustrations are just darlin’ as my adopted southern auntie says in Georgia so if you would like to have a peek at the book it’s called ‘Trams of Prague’ for those of you are a little hard of understanding then do, you’ll find it at Amazon and also on my website the addresses are above.

Trams of Prague Kindle Edition

If you have bought any of John Woodcock’s books, after you have bought mine of course, do let me know because, ‘Astromouse’ and a ‘Dino Dogs’ will be out soon I believe and I could arrange for you to pre-order them and I won’t charge you a cent just take a small ‘consideration’ from Mr Woodcock tee hee.

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