Archive for December 2010

A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE!   4 comments

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Actually before I start this very brief blog which will probably thank the people who have helped me to become an even bigger star this year and hopefully will propel me to even greater heights next year I would like to qualify the title of this blog.

I do sincerely wish a Happy New Year to all of those who have helped me and to all of those who have starred as characters in my book, my blog and my website and most especially to my loyal and really very cuddly readers who have bought my book but I am damned if I am going to wish a Happy New year to those who haven’t bought my book which can be purchased here Amazon.com quickly if you want to be included in this New Year’s wish.

So happy New Year to Lena, Tina, Tanya, Dave the Cat, Burt the Black and White Cat, Ginger, Topsy, Fluffy and George, I hope where ever you all you enjoy the celebrations and those with fur are far away from the noise, lights and bangs that humans seem to like so much at this time of year.

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Now I don’t do this very often but it seems right to sign this blog.

Purrs,

The Cat

PS

‘Purrs’ in Cat language is like ‘regards,’ ‘sincerely’ and the like in human and does not mean as some people think that my name is ‘Purrs’ as in ‘Purrs the Cat.’

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I Don’t Know What To Say!   2 comments

Very occasionally I am lost for words! Yes really I mean it, I think it is because I write so many words so often that sometimes they just slip away unnoticed and disappear and then I am flummoxed and don’t know what to say, although it occurs to me if a Cat, no matter how clever, who is currently lost for words can come up with the word ‘flummoxed’ then there is no hope for mankind who’s children seem to be leaving school these days in their teens with reading and writing ages of children half their age – but then as usual I digress.

Back here at the point for a moment – I am occasionally I am lost for words! When I find that I can’t think of anything to type either for my amazingly wonderful blog or my latest blockbusting book (which is a Travelogue and yes there is still time for you to pay to have your country ‘removed’ from my incredible book that some say is the most truthful account of what a travel might experience in any of a number of countries) I do a bit of casual ‘web surfing’ – if they call it that these days – to see if I can find an idiot or two to expose, or indeed something note or news worthy that my lovely cuddly readers may have missed along their way – obviously the titbit of information has to be animal related and preferably Cat related.

Today I was surfing the web to do exactly that and guess what I found – no you would never guess in a million years it is so stupidly ridiculous.

I found a website which offers information, tips, hints and so forth on magic – ok so far that doesn’t constitute ‘stupidly ridiculous’ I agree but I think you will see what I mean by “stupidly ridiculous” when you start to read the BLACK CAT HAIR page. Especially when you discover that you can buy – how can I put this – ‘a sample’ I suppose is the best way to describe what the seller calls the – ‘Lucky Mojo Black Cat Hair Curio Pack’ he or she offers for sale.

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Now to this casual and extremely untrained connoisseur of Cat hair or ‘fur’ as we like to call it, although obviously witches differ, the ‘sample’ looks more like humans pubes – if I can say that on a website that attracts children – but then as I stated above they probably can’t read or understand what I am on about so I think I will be able to say ‘pubes’ don’t you?

Still does it matter if the bag contains pubes (hopefully human) to be honest! It’s bad enough if the product being offered for sale is real “Cat hair” (please call it fur) because if there is any demand there must be hundreds of bald moggies shivering across the west coast of America, the home of the producer of ‘Lucky Mojo Black Cat Hair Curio Pack’, but believe me the outrage of this item goes much further than either relieving hundreds of black Cats of their fur or snipping of clumps of black pubic hair and bagging it for sale, oh yes it definitely does.

The charlatan who previously probably sold a ‘patent cure’ from the back of a covered wagon says about the amazing product that black Cat hair has the following amazing properties –

  • Black Cat hair is lucky for Gamblers

  • Black Cat hair is used in a bottle spell to make a couple break up. (I suppose that the couple in question aren’t gamblers and what is a ‘bottle spell’ when it is at home?)

  • Black Cat hair can (only because it is associated with black Cats as far as I can ascertain) grant Invisibility or the Return of a Lost Lover. (Which is the opposite oddly enough. But that isn’t important, what is important is the reason why I say that black Cat hair must, in this case, be useful because it is associated with black Cats and that association enables the magic spell. Why is that well as every practitioner of magic knows it’s the magic or lucky bone that a black Cat is suppose to have that does that ‘trick.’ However it isn’t really lucky for a black Cat to possess such a prized bone because the only way to get at it, and presumably the luck it contains, is to get to the bone after boiling the black Cat alive!

The website does say “Obviously this spell is cruel and we do not endorse it. For folks in search of invisibility after a fashion, we offer Law Keep Away.” This Cat wonders what are the ingredients of ‘Law Keep Away?’ You’ll notice that they don’t say that this spell is gross, cruel, distasteful, daft and most importantly of all like all other spells from any religion, craft just doesn’t work!

I bet you are dying to know how to use the black Cat hair that you are just about to purchase to make you so much luckier a gambler than you currently are aren’t you – well for those with very good glasses the directions and some of the above are printed on the very unappealing label of the evidence bag style packaging that your black Cat hair comes in. But for those slightly less well endowed optically I have transcribed it below. Mind you I bet if you dig around in this unsavoury website you will probably find a potion that will sort out your eyesight once and for all.

So here is what you must do to become rich beyond your wildest dreams – do nothing – the black Cat hair it would seem does it all – whatever that is. Unfortunately there aren’t any clear instructions for use of this magic black Cat hair.

But if you want to cause lovers to Quarrel and Separate and in that order I suppose – although personally I have discovered in the normal world when you quarrel and separate you then do a lot more quarreling after the separation, all you do is this – mix the black Cat hair with Black Dog Hair, 9 Coffin Nails, 9 Needles, and 9 Pins (not of the bowling variety I presume) simple!

The page of the website I was reading didn’t say if it sold black Dog hair and the coffin nails etc., but I expect they do don’t you?

Oddly enough after the enormous effort of accumulating all of the ingredients there is no ‘method’ no explanation as to what to do with what amounts to a pocketful of trash.

Or indeed thinking about it – they don’t say what you do once you have done what you are supposed to do with the ingredients if you follow me and frankly I think I got lost there somewhere, but I think you know what I mean! The people who wrote the label don’t say that you have to mix the ingredients together and then they follow that lack of instruction by not saying what you have to do when you have done what they haven’t told you what to do – my head hurts now does yours? Yes – let’s move on then.

I just imagine a lot very annoyed witches and I suppose an equal number of dissatisfied warlocks staring down at the crap they have in front of them and thinking – huh!

By the way do let me know if you give this a try – well let me rephrase that! Do tell me if you try this at home because then I know I can blacklist you and block your rabid emails because you obviously must be insane or desperate to try this and either way you have to be very dangerous har ha.


  • Of course I can add one or two more facts about black Cat hair and so I will:
    Take black Cat hair (or fur hrrumph) from a black Cat without asking nicely and you will probably lose one of your thumbs you humans are so proud of.

  • Black Cat hair should be called Black Cat fur.

  • Humans will buy any old rubbish if they are told it will bring them luck.

  • Humans think that they are highly evolved.

  • Humans are probably the most gullible species on the planet and the only one which believes in a God I might add – but maybe I shouldn’t.

  • Some humans think that Sarah Palin cares about them and is electable.

  • As a Cat I think that it is really odd that these sorts of potions and magic thingy’s never include bits of humans because humans don’t seem to have any qualms when they lop of bits of animals to create their magic, or is it that everyone knows that this sort of nonsense is just that and so it is better to use a bit of Cat, Toad or Newt because they tend not to sue the magicians?


As you can see for yourself the ‘product’ if you can grace it with that description has a ‘small print’ caveat – which the maker of the label couldn’t be bothered to actually make small or I suppose didn’t actually have the right spell to hand to do the job for them – or maybe he/she did and it didn’t work. So here it is using the same odd combination of capital letters as the author does across the whole of the website –

“We make no claim for BLACK CAT HAIR, and sell as a Curio only.”

You can tell that this was rubbish was collected for sale in California can’t you – it is probably the worst place in the world to sell such a thing because it is probably the only place on the planet where disgruntled witches or warlocks would actually sue the supplier because the rubbish they bought didn’t work and be taken as seriously as they took the seller in the first place.


For those ultra curious the black Cat hair – oh I do wish the idiots would call it fur – retails at a mere $3.00 however the book of spells that explain what to do with the dreadful stuff is $14.95 you’d have to be mad to buy that rubbish when you can buy my book at Amazon.com or my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com wouldn’t you!


PS
The Disney movie ‘Tron Legacy’ may well be dreadful if you listen to the critics but do, if you get the chance, take in the soundtrack by Daftpunk. It is really very good indeed.

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Only A Dog Could Be This Daft!   4 comments

Just look what this dumb Dog did!

Rebel an eight month old German Shepherd Dog was heading for trouble when he decided to check out an interesting looking hole in the wall.

As you can see from the first picture ‘clever’ Rebel somehow managed to squeeze his head into a really small hole in the wall of his garden in Los Angeles, California, and then the curious bone headed bow-wow got his head well and truly stuck.

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Unfortunately Rebel’s owner was out and it was only when a friend of the owner heard Rebel whining, whimpering and generally expressing a wish not to have his head sticking out of the wall that he found the pitiful pup, in what could be described as “a bit of a tight spot” he took pity on him and called the authorities.

County Animal Services officers arrived and decided the Dog was not in serious danger and obviously thought that the dim Doggie was making a song and a dance out of his predicament so they decided that if Rebel could get his head into the hole then he could jolly well get his head out of the same hole – with a bit of help of course.

Obviously the County Animal Services officers’ main concern was not to hurt Rebel, with officers on either side of the wall, they tucked in the silly pup’s ears and gently pulled him back and forth for about 30 minutes before they managed to free him.

Happily no one, either canine or human was hurt and as you can see from the next picture Rebel seems to have rather enjoyed the experience, proving that Dogs are really very dumb!

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Well I don’t know about ‘a rebel without a cause,’ this Cat would say the this was ‘a Rebel without a clue.’

Sadly I have a lot of experience with German Shepherd Dogs and I would caution anyone who believes that German Shepherd Dogs are ‘intelligent’ they really aren’t and the ones that appear to be are pretending I promise, as you will know if you have read any of my blogs, my book or indeed my www – wickedly wonderful website my German Shepherd Dog ‘Ben’ is how can I put this in the most flattering way possible err – ‘challenged.’

If you didn’t get my book for Christmas don’t worry there are plenty here Amazon.com or if you want you can order one from my website here www.thecatsdiary.com.

I hope that eventually everyone will have a copy of my book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and not only because that will make me ‘J-K-Rowling-Rich’ but also because unlike Harry Potter my books will make you laugh and therefore the world a brighter place.

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Some Red Signs!   2 comments

Obviously if you see a sign and it is printed in red it has to be important!

Here are two of the most ‘important’ signs I have ever seen.

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PS

The Circus sign comes from Austria – you think they would know better wouldn’t you? I won’t even bother to tell you where your children, if left unattended, will be sold to the Circus because the writing is a dead give away and the Chinese are not only really dreadful at manufacturing err ‘anything’ they are really rather cruel. Oops I seem to have told you the country anyway – silly me!

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet such as.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

The Cat & Kindle.png

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10 Great Things About Being A Cat   2 comments

As the New Year approaches and I complete my list of people who have made my life a little brighter and of course vice versa I seem to have slipped into reflective mode and while there I have been thinking just how wonderful it is to be a Cat and of course in particular how wonderful it is to be ‘this Cat.’

All of which led me to the title of this little blog, in fact to tell the truth I could have come up with a list of 100’s of great things about being a Cat which involve things such as not being a Dog.

But I know just how short the average human attention span is (I only have to look at the average length of a visit to my www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com; and so a list of 10 great things about being a Cat seems about right and better still for those humans still reading I’m going to publish the ’10 Great things about being a Cat’ or indeed ’10 best things about being a Cat’ depending upon how you look at it, occasionally and here as logic dictates is the first great thing about being a Cat.

1. Cats don’t have fingerprints like humans.

Fingerprint.pngAt first if you are keen on the human philosophy of ‘identity’ and ‘self’ and indeed ‘self importance’ then the lack of fingerprints seems not to be an advantage, but if like most Cats you like to go to places that are how can I put this “off limits” then not having fingerprints is a distinct advantage.

Imagine being able to rife an ex-partners apartment and not leaving an incriminating mark! Imagine being able to permanently ‘borrow’ shiny, useful, expensive objects and quickly call them your own. No wonder humans are often envious of Cats.

The benefits go on and on but I think I should stop there and let your imagination take over – I don’t want my nice cuddly readers to think that this Cat is err, how can I put it – ‘has criminal tendencies’ do I!

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I Was Going To Have A Day Off!   9 comments

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As the title says I was going to have a day off today – but the Czech rubbish men’s rubbish collection on Christmas Day both impressed me and shamed me into stirring into a some sort of action today – yes it took me a whole day to even consider working on what should be my day off – am I lazy or just a feline committed to the ‘old ways,’ I prefer to think that the latter is the case if it is all the same to you!

But you have to be impressed with the dedication of those orange boiler suit clad warriors fighting against full rubbish bins making their third collection of rubbish in a week, they are amazing – where else would that sort of dedication occur? Not in any of the ‘civilised’ countries I know of like err England, France or even the good old US of A.

So unfortunately I couldn’t sit here – well lie here – next to a radiator waiting for a warm human lap to appear and then lazily plonk myself on it and beg for Prawns could I?

By the way there were Prawns aplenty yesterday you could say that the place was “awash” with Prawns. I have to announce proudly that I had more than my fair share and managed to keep them down, although I did have dreams about the sea last night! I wonder if there’s any connection?

Anyway that is enough deviating from the point that I know I haven’t made yet. The point I want to point out is this latest outrage from those spoilt spongers who call themselves the “Royal Family of Great Britain and Ireland” or whatever today’s title is.

Just look at the person who calls herself “queen” in this snap taken in Norfolk land of the yokel and windmill! The dreadful old wrinkly is wearing a Cat as a hat – that is awful – some poor animal suffered there it would seem and worse the equally dreadful camellia ‘queen of pies’ seems to have got wind of the fact that the oldest royal wrinkly was going to wear large parts of an animal on her head and has joined in the ‘fun’ wearing what looks like ‘Bambi’ above her very prominent facial lines on her face that could only be described as a face that a plastic surgeon dreams of renovating.

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There is worse to come as well – not that the snaps of these women of a certain age are not awful enough on their own – take a look at the older woman’s handbag in the picture below. The logo in particular – does CC stand for ‘culled Cat’ are the royals – known for their mass murder of all animals in the name of hunting now turning to persecuting only Cats? Has my campaign against these over privileged spoilt brats who have no idea about the real world got them rattled? It looks like it doesn’t it!

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A WORD FROM DAVE THE CAT

“It’s going to be more than one word I can tell you.” Pause for long explanation. “Oh sorry I didn’t know that the title of my bit was just an English phrase – my English isn’t as good as yours and I still don’t know why I can’t write this in ‘Cat?’

“Anyway all I wanted to say was that that pair of wizened old ladies should be told that hats are for Cats and should not be made of them – that sounds like a really bad idea and what may I ask happens to the poor Cat whose fur you decided to use as a hat?”

“Furthermore!”

(Cat’s note; sorry about this but when Dave the Cat starts to talk he is difficult to shut up).

“I would imagine that Cat’s make really poor hats because they do tend to wriggle in their sleep and could easily slip off some old queen’s head, fall to the floor and if they were fast asleep get left behind, and I know that some Cats like me for instance are very sound sleepers and if, goodness forbid, some old queen wanted to use me as headgear I would probably slip off and get left behind.”

“Personally I think that the oldies in this picture are really unkind and callous…” “What do you mean I have to stop there – I have loads more to say…”

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Editors note

Sorry Dave the Cat would have rambled on for hours if I hadn’t accidentally unplugged his laptop, it’s actually the first time he has ever used it, well apart from turning it on and either sleeping on top of it as it heats up to a level of spontaneous combustion or lying down wind of the hot air being extracted from inside with his nose pressed up against the fan grill and a really weird and not very nice look of satisfaction on his face that may contain at its root a smile of contentment.

Dear cuddly readers Dave the Cat wanted you all to know that the hat colour is “protest red” and I thought that I should pass that on because I was convinced it was a sort of ‘santa’s little helper red’ as it is Christmas, but he got very angry when I told him, I think he is worried about becoming a hat against his will – like the rest of us decent law abiding Cats.

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The Happiest Of Christmases To You   2 comments

Xmas Holly.png

Although I am a superstar and probably now ‘bigger’ than John Lennon – a reference which I hope my older will appreciate and of course before they throw rotten tomatoes at me is a joke – I never forget the people who have helped me become ‘immense.’

Not only would I like to thank Ginger, Bert the Black and White Cat and of course Dave the Cat I would like to thank all of my loyal and adoring fans who I hope like me because I am a great writer and make them laugh and not only because I can act like a very warm furry stole on their knees which is handy now that the dead fur stole variety is out of fashion. Which of course makes me wonder whatever happened to all of the queen of England’s furs? She had an amazing collection and presumably inherited her Mum’s even bigger collection.

So after getting side tracked a little I would like to say “thank you to all my fans and the three aforementioned moggies, this year has been a wonderful ‘whirlwind’ and next year with all of your help I am expecting a ‘tornado’ of a year especially with the new book.

I sincerely hope that your Christmas is as good as the one I will have and that the new year brings everything that we hope it will.

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MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL

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About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

The Cat & Kindle.png

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