Archive for November 2010

What On Earth Do You Humans Have For Brains!   Leave a comment

I am asking the question “what on earth do you humans have for brains?” because I think that you are almost all completely mad! Why well here are three (I couldn’t bare to look at any more) pictures from the fashion house United Bamboo’s 2011 Calendar.

Now I have nothing against using pictures of Cats for advertising we are very photogenic and almost always look good in photographs except when we are smiling of course something I cover in my wonderful best seller – you may have heard of it “Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” which you can buy here Amazon.com or from my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com but I think that the ‘Marcus’ or whatever his name is at the advertising department of United Bamboo, a fashion company (apparently) has really gone too far this time and I think I know what happened.

Just imagine for a moment that you are head of an advertising/marketing department and the chairman of the company wakes you up at your desk with a phone call, asks you to come up with a brilliant idea for a calendar for 2011 and you panic and answer “I know we’ll dress ‘Cats’ up in our clothes – gosh this coffee is strong, or am I still hungover? No hang on we can’t do that, dressing Cats up in our designer clothes would be daft! They’re much too big, the clothes that is, I know we’ll make special small ones, oh! My headaches and the double vision is terrible!”

Next thing you know the United Bamboo 2011 Calendar is unleashed on an unsuspecting populous – what have you humans done to deserve that? Beats me, you are all strange.

Anyway without further ado, or moaning from me, here are three examples from the calendar that wins the prize “Most Insulting To Cats 2011.”

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The last Cat/model is called Oscar and he is a fine looking chap what a shame that he has been so badly exploited I wonder if the photographer and the other bright sparks at the loathsome United Bamboo company know that poor Oscar is blind? Or care!

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Posted November 30, 2010 by The Cat in Uncategorized

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As Promised!   Leave a comment

A little while ago I promised to let you know when the PNP or Portable North Pole was open this year so that you could use it to send enchanting ‘Santa’ messages to your loved ones old and young – well in PNP’s case the old and young are divided into three categories.

Well true to my word the PNP or Portable North Pole is indeed open again and you can send your highly personalised messages to your loved ones free – which is not only nice it is wonderful and probably the best value you will get this Christmas.

Below is all of the details you will need cut from an email they sent me – I am a great fan and I have to say have no connection what so ever with the good people who run this excellent website, I just used it last year for the first time and it helped to get a lot of people into the Christmas spirit.

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Here is the address if you can read it properly on the picture – http://www.portablenorthpole.tv/home

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Posted November 29, 2010 by The Cat in Uncategorized

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Macy’s Parade – One Day   Leave a comment

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Ok paws up I have to admit that the picture I have here has been ‘doctored’ and I wasn’t in this year’s parade – your shocked mmh maybe I should have kept my mouth shut but you know Cats cant lie – worst luck we would be so much better at big business and politics if we could.

I have to also admit that the picture wasn’t ‘doctored’ very well – but what can you expect if you outsource things like this to India? – Not a lot is the answer! Just look at the standard of Disney and Dreamworks animation these days!

Still honesty aside for a moment one day I will really be in a Macy’s Parade, I promise, and it will be soon after my movie based on my worldbeatingunputdownable book – I have added world beating bit to my usual word describing my book because someone has stolen my word ‘unputdownable’ shame they didn’t search for a life rather than wonderful new words to steal – sorry where was I?

Oh yes my new movie – well what can I say? I am closing in on a deal which happily is based on the sales of my wonderful book of course; it almost goes without saying is available here Amazon.com and here on my ‘www’ “wickedly wonderful website” –  www.thecatsdiary.com happily at the moment no one has stolen my term for my website – but I suppose it is only a matter of time!

Unfortunately it is not like I am that little rat Mickey Mouse who just announces that he wants to make another comeback and gets a movie deal immediately. I have had to fight tooth and claw to even get into the movie mogul’s offices – well eventually I did it through a synagogue and a Steven Spielberg disguise, of course, but that is another story! I don’t want to get all Sarah Palin on you here!

So the movie of the book will come one day and you know how determined I am to be up there in lights, to say nothing of floating above your heads in a Macy’s Parade on Thanksgiving – there is just one thing that I am a little worried about and that is after the parade – yes I saw Mickey ‘nudging’ a Smurf in a way that should only be demonstrated on dolls but that is not what I meant about being worried about what happens after the parade! I have learned to keep my back against the wall dealing with all of those movie types.

What I am worried about is that in order to take part in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade you have to be able to float so they fill you up with Helium – fair enough! But and it is a great big one, ‘but’ what happens when they let the gas out? Do you make a series of loud inappropriate noises or is it just one long one? If anyone knows or has indeed had large amounts of gas in the past please can you let a worried Cat know exactly what happens – many thanks.

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I Would Like To Wish All My Readers A Very Happy Thanksgiving   2 comments

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As the title says I would like to say Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who reads my blog, visits my www – wickedly wonderful website and of course has read my unputdownable book, as well as any itinerant passers-by who haven’t yet read my blog, visited my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com or even bought my book at Amazon.com yet!

Happy Thanksgiving to one and all!

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PS

I have to say I am a little envious of all you good people who celebrate Thanksgiving and not only about the Turkey, Cranberries and Pumpkin Pie but also because people who celebrate Thanksgiving effectively get two Christmases!

Which is why I have decided to adopt not only Thanksgiving Day as a holiday but also the much more ambitious Russian celebration of New Year’s Day, a holiday which, believe it or not, goes on for the best part of January!

All of which means that you, my lovely fans and readers, can give your favourite furry genius of an author presents on two more celebration days and I know that simple fact will mean so much to so many!

Yes I am a Cat who goes on giving aren’t I?

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A Message From The Real Santa   2 comments

As you know I like presents and I love the way that people get such enormous pleasure from giving me them so Christmas is a special time for this Cat and so don’t forget to send me loads of gifts and don’t worry if they are incredibly extravagant I won’t get embarrassed – promise!

Still that fact aside I am also a Cat who likes to share and if you are like me and want to spread a little joy to others this Christmas – especially the people who enjoy Christmas the most then you have to use a website called the Portable North Pole or PNP where you will be able to send anyone a message from Santa – last year you needed a picture of the person you were sending the message to – on behalf of Santa obviously. Last year I sent loads of Santa’s messages from PNP and everyone loved it young and old so I can vouch for it.

This year the PNP isn’t open just yet but the message on their web pages suggests something very special so I would click along there if I were you here is a link you can use that will take you to a page that looks just like the picture below – enjoy this and of course Christmas as well.

For the time being you can leave your email address so that the elves can send you an email when the PNP is open.

Portable North Pole and if you don’t trust links, I quite understand so here is the address for you to type in yourself – http://portablenorthpole.tv

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Oh don’t forget all of you who booked a NASA Face in Space place for the 133rd space shuttle flight it will be launched on December 3, 2010. And the 134rd Space Shuttle – the one that I am booked on will be on February 27, 2011 and we will be able to view our pictures soon after each mission – how wonderful is that? How wonderful is NASA and the good folks who work there – amazing that is how wonderful the good folks are!

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The website as always is http://faceinspace.nasa.gov or you can use this link to click over there now NASA Face in Space

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It Was Snowing!   Leave a comment

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Today I got up just like any other normal day, hopped out of the bedroom window and into the very tall Pine tree outside. A devastatingly dangerous maneuver which I accomplish every day with not only elegance but also bravery and most of all style.

Outside it had started to rain and the Pine needles were giving off a sort of ‘Badedas’ aroma which if you happen to know what ‘Badedas’ actually is will tell you that I paused for a little while to enjoy the Pine Freshness while I got lightly soaked, but it was worth getting wet just to breath in the aroma.

After I had wriggled and squirmed my way down the centre of the tree, in a sort of worm like ‘on your belly like action’ I stepped out onto the grass which was wet and really very cold, actually I think that was when I noticed that the rain was very cold and to be honest it wasn’t really rain anymore it was sleet. I have always thought that sleet was nasty and insidious stuff which creeps into you fur and makes even a warm cuddly Cat feel cold.

To shelter from the sleet and try to stay warm I hopped, skipped and jumped under the cover of some beautiful white Chrysanthemums and started to – err well how can I put it? I did what I do every morning and night and sometimes at midday depending upon how the fancy takes me and my um, err ‘needs.’

No! You still haven’t worked out what I was doing? Humans! I was going to the toilet of course! Cats prefer an outdoor convenience whenever possible and so would you if you had to scrape around in a litter tray and although I don’t like plugging my wonderful book “Getting Out Excerpts From A Cats Diary” the Cat being me of course – you can read all about litter trays in it and if the fancy takes you buy it here Amazon.com and if you don’t want to feed a giant multinational you can always feed a really good looking Cat and get a copy from my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com.

So I was doing my ‘business’ as my Mum used to call it – she didn’t actually she was far to mock posh for that, but it is a great euphemism don’t you think? Then the sleet turned to snow right there in front of my eyes, now wonder the rain had been so cold nature was working herself up into a frosty frenzy!

I can tell you that I very quickly did a cover up that most politicians would envy, and made a snowy dash for the Pine tree and the warmth of my bedroom.

Have I mentioned my translator John Woodcock I do quite often in my wonderful book (see above) he is not the most exceptional member of the human race and when you humans actually finish your ‘race’ I expect him to be very close to the back. Like most marathon runners these days he will get a medal because have you noticed any idiot who can stumble across any ‘open’ charity marathon after 12 or so hours still ‘wins’ something! Only humans could do that because everyone has to be a winner – you are all quite mad.

Oops I interrupted myself didn’t I! Where was I – oh yes my translator, mmh guess what my ‘gifted’ translator did today, just to annoy me I think? He closed the window, yes of course it was the window I had so elegantly, stylishly and bravely leapt from only minutes before and indeed the window I use up to three times a day unless I have ‘eaten something’ if you know what I mean and have to use it more regularly and in a hurry.

Me? Oh you’re concerned. You want to know what happened next and in particular to ‘me’ – you are so kind and of course the best sort of humans – my cuddly fans. I bumped my cold nose on the close icy unforgiving glass that is what happened to ‘me!’

Then I sat on the very cold and extremely wet windowsill and got annoyed. When that didn’t work I pawed at the window in frustration and when that failed I cried as pitifully as I could! You must know that sound it’s the stock and trade of any trapped, bored or playful Cat, the “I’m stuck up a tree sound.”

It’s brilliant and works every time, usually a fire engine will turn up and I had great expectations for that very occurrence, passers by were stopping and pointing into the sky and ‘windoward’ (if that is a word).

Unfortunately, because I like a scene, the fire brigade or Hasiči as the fire brigade are called here in the Czech Republic didn’t attend this Cat emergency because the idiot translator heard the very loud cries of the Cat on the windowsill – namely me of course. The noise may have broken some windows somewhere and caused nightmares in little children but in my defence I believe that the volume of the screams was merely proportional to the emergency.

The window opened (though I noticed not very wide, obviously to not let in the cold and snow hrrumph!) and I scampered in making as much noise as I could while running over the bed covers, polished desk and scatter rugs, then with a flourish to finish the polished hardwood floor. It is astonishing just how much mud one can collect on four paws and then distribute liberally around someone’s home if ‘one’ is very annoyed.

As usual in these circumstances there were some benefits on the fringe and quite right too I say – I was given a bowl full to the brim of fresh Prawns which was nice, but I expect more this afternoon and some Tuna would help to salve my dented pride for supper and if it isn’t too much trouble to ask i would be delighted if the window was left open while I am outside taking my ‘constitutional’ as Gladstone or Queen Victoria probably called ‘it.’

There is one thing that you may be able to help me with dear reader because this question has always bugged the paws off me because I just can’t seem to find the answer and you all know that I am a genius which of course makes all of this even more frustrating – who is Christmas Carol and why is she so famous at Christmas, and what on earth does she do for the other 48 weeks of the year?

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One Bail-Out Package Please!   Leave a comment

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For a number of months now I have noticed that both companies (namely banks but also insurance companies) and nations that have spent too much are getting really rather large bail-outs and I would like to know if any of my readers know where I can get mine because I have just heard that Ireland has gone for the big one and quite frankly if they qualify then so do I?

Why should I have an enormous bail-out well I have diligently followed the examples of the frivolous banks, building societies and countries and bought things I don’t need with money that I don’t have and now I want the first installment of my reward.

I deserve a mind bogglingly large bail-out because it is very very difficult to spend a million Euros/Dollars or Pounds let alone getting on for a billion I can tell you and quite frankly even I have to take my hat off (if I had one) to the guys at Lehman Bros, HBOS, Bank of America, Citibank, Lloyds Bank, Greece, Spain, Portugal and of course the star spenders of them all Ireland; they have done an incredible job of spending money that they didn’t ever have a hope of having and most definitely could never earn.

Personally I think that it is only fair that I should get a sizable bail-out package even though I am a just a Cat because I know that even if I haven’t qualified yet I can be as reckless as the star spenders mentioned above who like any Cat or indeed other dumb animal don’t know the value of what they have bought only that it must have been good because it cost so much.

What is it my Mum used to say – if you read my book you will remember I said she said “Jump” well they were the last words she said, but she also said that “fools” or were they “finance ministers know the price of everything and the value of nothing!”

Please send my bail-out to my Paypal address thecat@thecatsdiary.com. There that is simple enough even a finance minister could follow those instructions couldn’t they?

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