Archive for May 2010

Sarah F Is At It Again   2 comments

First of all here is a short statement from The Cat Corp., which was prepared earlier.

The Cat and his agents would like take this opportunity to state that any rumours that The Cat or The Cat Corp., has been in negotiations with Sarah F aka the Duchess of York to turn Buckingham Palace into an amusement attraction are totally false.

The Cat nor any of his representatives have had any contact with Sarah F aka The Duchess of York what so ever, indeed The Cat and his representatives would like to go further and state categorically that they have no interest in turning any ‘royal’ buildings, estates, palaces or second estates and palaces into amusement parks until the current sitting tenants have been evicted, which judging by the way that most of the ‘royals’ are conducting themselves won’t be long.

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So what is the reason for the announcement above well the prematurely wrinkled Sarah F aka The Duchess of York really has gone and done it now hasn’t she?

Sarah F who also uses the alias The Duchess of York has been caught red handed trying to extract 500,000 very big ones – we are talking pounds and not dollars and they are still worth more – out of a ‘Middle Eastern businessman.’

The dumpy Sarah F aka The Duchess of York promised this Indian businessman that she could arrange an introduction to her fat ex, who is known to the authorities as the Duke of York for 500,000 big ones. Once the introduction had been made the Indian businessman would then be able to reap the benefit of knowing a low person in a high placed position of trust. Some years ago the British Government who were at their wits end trying to find more things to do with all of the surplus ‘royals’ appointed him as a International Trade Ambassador.

Since then the chubby Duke has done very well doing all sorts of private deals with shadowy ex-soviets, he even managed to off load his house to one for nearly ten times what it was worth even though it had been up for sale for years before that deal.

The full figured Duke did very well especially as the ranch style bungalow was built and paid for by the Queen as a wedding present.

The problem with the deal that Sarah F aka the Duchess of York arranged with the Middle Eastern was that the Indian businessman was an undercover journalist and after a couple of meetings and the exchanging of 40,000 in sterling poor old, she doesn’t seem to have worn well, Duchess of York was filmed saying out loud in her awful thunderous voice that she could do the deal for cash etc.

I am pretty sure the sooner that bunch are shown the door the better.

As you know this Cat doesn’t really care for the English ‘royals’ and as they don’t keep Cats and seem devoted to shooting any furry animal that doesn’t bark I have a feeling they don’t care for me either but I had to admire the dreadful Duchess’s gall when she said to the Indian businessman.

“Do you understand that I absolutely have not a pot to piss in?” “I left the royal family with friendship, no money. Diana left with 20 million. And that’s why the Queen is my friend because I never took a bean from them.”

Thanks to The Times of London for the quote above.

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Israel Snubs Both The King Of Qatar and Me In The Same Week   4 comments

You know I know just how the poor old corpulent and caring King of Qatar must be feeling after his very generous (this Cat thought) offer of paying to rebuild all sorts of bits of Palestine that the Israelis knocked down and blew up recently was rejected by the Israeli Prime Minister, and that rejection was odd because at first he sounded interested in taking the money – quite naturally of course, free money these days is hard to come by isn’t it?

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Just think, if the Prime Minister had said “no thanks” to the American’s offer of paying for a missile shield, the average American tax payer, who quite rightly, has no interest in building a missile shield in that part of the Middle East would be just a little less financially hard pressed currently.

Actually I too have been trying to do my bit for peace in the world and recently spent a not inconsiderable amount of my ‘hard earned’ paying for translations of the Koran into Yiddish and the Torah into Arabic ready for the newly translated versions to be distributed to the warring fractions of the Middle East only to be told to shove them “somewhere dark!”

Forgive this simple Cat and the large and learned monarch of Qatar for believing that by being kind we could both show people that there is a better way other than violence. Not only that if the Israelis didn’t like what the money was spent on they could soon get rid of it couldn’t they with a few well placed as well as some disastrously place missiles aren’t they always blowing up something or someone in Palestine anyway?.

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Frankly I don’t get it do you? The chubby and jovial King of Qatar and The Cat offering Israelis something for nothing and they turn it down, I think it goes against the religion doesn’t it?

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Posted May 24, 2010 by The Cat in Uncategorized

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I Might Have Just Been A Tiny Bit Wrong!   2 comments

Please sit down and be prepared for a shock. It seems that I may have been just a tiny bit wrong about the flooding in the Czech republic yesterday and that is because the Czech republic is flooded, but not my bit of it, up here in the Eagles nest as it were.

So just to prove that no Cat is perfect here is a picture of the ‘devastation,’ I use the emphasis because I have yet to see any devastation personally and can’t find any photographs of the ‘event.’

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I did hear that there is a town up near the border with the old west that is cut off and they were evacuating people but really doesn’t anyone remember 2002 when the Metro in Prague was full of water and some areas were 20 feet under it, I have no sympathy with anyone who didn’t take that as a warning and move to higher ground like the place I live in there would really have to be a flood of Noah proportions to get water to lap at my threshold.

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Posted May 19, 2010 by The Cat in Uncategorized

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Cat Got Your Tongue?   2 comments

“Has the Cat got your tongue?” Is like all of those humans expressions about Cats it casts Cats in the role of villain and quite frankly not at all nice.

Why is it that Cats have such a bad reputation when it comes to old sayings or expressions? It is something I have puzzled about when sitting very comfortably and warmly on various human laps and knees recently as apparently the flood water in Central Europe gets deeper and Poland, Hungary and the Czech republic start to drown, but back to that later.

Honestly I have no idea why Cats have such a bad reputation and would be interested to hear from any reader why they think it is the case! Apart, of course, from the reader who asked me why I hadn’t written a blog for a few days and they, in turn, hadn’t had anything funny to read.

Well I replied to them that they really ought to read my book of course book which anyone can easily get here at Amazon.com as if you all need reminding tee hee, and I also let them into a bit of a secret and that is that everyone will soon be able to read my wonderful book on a Sony eReader because those nice people at Sony and this wonderful Cat are going to start ‘bundling’ my amazing ebook with their cute eReader so that you can all buy them as a set if you see what I mean – do contact me for details.

Still the note from my fan did make me think about the phrase “Has the Cat got your tongue?” though, and I thought that I would share those thoughts with you below.

1. What would a Cat do with your tongue or indeed anyone else’s tongue – make a tongue necklace? I hardly
think so!
2. Where would we keep all of the tongues we collect? We don’t have pockets you know, or if we do I have never found mine!
3. Old sayings are as mental as the people who use them.
3. Couldn’t really think of a third point.
3. I think I am a little confused with the numbering system here and anyway I am getting bored with this
list.
4. Dropped off for a while until I was woken up by someone standing up and me falling on my feet (of course).
5. Why do humans stand up unexpectedly when a warm Cat is comfortably asleep on their lap?
6. I may have lost my train of thought and veered off the subject I was thinking about!
7. What was the subject?
8. What am I doing here.
9. Does existentialism have any relevance to the modern feline.
10 My head hurts!

It is so unlikely that a Cat and this cat in particular would want to steal a human tongue that I had to commission an artist to show a Cat stealing a tongue.

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Artist’s impression of Cat lulling human to sleep before stealing tongue.

One last thing before I go off to find a lap and have a well deserved sleep. The weather here has been pretty terrible recently ‘but’ and it is a very big but just as the idea that Cat’s collect tongues is a myth so is the ‘fact’ reported by the BBC News that the Czech republic, Poland and Hungary are flooded – they aren’t I promise you, so please stop if you were reaching for the inflatable life raft catalogue and wondering if they deliver to Prague. Prague and the surrounding countryside is as dry as a bone, or it was a couple of days ago when I flew over it on my way back from Moscow – the Russian bless them are buying my book now.

Not only that currently I am looking out over Prague from the largest film studios in Europe on a hill above Prague where I can see for miles or kilometres as they say here and I can’t see a drop of water that isn’t in the place it should be ie., the Vltava river which flows, usually in an orderly fashion, through Prague and then down to Slovakia where it is given a new name and eventually ends up in the sea somewhere.

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Artist’s impression of BBC news imaginary flood water.

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Wonderful Royal News!   2 comments

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Doctors report that today the recovering Duke of York was able to practice using a pair of scissors for almost half an hour.

“Few inside royal circles know about the troubles that the brave and very chubby Duke has endured recently,” said a Royal watcher who asked for anonymity just in case their friendship was every exposed.

Sadly it is the case that over the last few year the recovering Duke of York has bravely battled crippling near-bankruptcy but now with the help of his rich friends in oily Azerbaijan he is slowly recovering.

Today’s use of scissors has been described as a “landmark” and it is hoped that one day soon the recovering Duke of York will be able to earn an honest crust and pay his own bills.

However a Doctor treating the Duke said that day was a long way off and the plucky roly poly Duke may never be able to support himself financially because of his love of expensive things that he just can’t afford to buy.

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It Looks Like The Euro Has Had It!   2 comments

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It struck me the other day that the Euro crisis (and the Banking crisis before) which is set to completely ruin everyone in Europe and probably bring the rest of the world down as well as one of the largest markets for stuff wakes up and finds that it is out on the street and can’t afford to buy anything, should have a sort of defining phrase.

Catch phrases and sound bites are all the rage after all and it seems a shame that the defining moment at the end of capitalism shouldn’t have a little catch phrase of its own.

So I decided to put the one of the finest minds of the 21st century on the case – what do you mean who? Me of course and I think I have nailed it in one, though of course I do invited my fans and readers to comment with their very own ‘corkers.’

Well here it is I think that politicians and bankers who have bankrupted us can be summed up in one simple phrase pinched (and of course adulterated) by The Cat from Winston Churchill no less:

“So much is owed by so few to so many.”

Tell you what I think I would invest in my the giveaway while any of us still have any cash and if you need to take your mind off the next crisis invest – or is that a bad word these days? – in my wonderful book which you can get hereAmazon.com as if you need reminding! And please don’t be selfish do ensure that your friends and loved ones and in some cases your spouses have a copy of my excellent book as well, it really is an antidote to misery and happily it doesn’t cost a lot.

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