Archive for April 2010

Warm & Sticky!   Leave a comment

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As you know I like to add a nice picture here and there when I can, I think it makes a special blog written by a very intelligent, handsome and generous Cat – no me silly – look so much nicer don’t you?

So imagine my dilemma – which I can hardly spell – let alone want to suffer – when I wanted to tell you just how warm and sticky I feel today lying in the bright hot sunshine.

Now Cats don’t, as a rule, sweat! It is a well known fact that unfortunately Dave the Cat has never heard of, but that is because he is completely deaf when he wears his darn hat, then again if he didn’t wear that darn hat he probably wouldn’t sweat would he darn Cat?

Anyway I think that I have been infected with ‘Daveitis’ because lying in the window today on top of the red sofa (a capital offence I heard somewhere but who cares?) I have started to develop ‘clarty fur!’

What do you mean you have no idea what clarty fur is? Well clarty fur is the best way I know of to describe what has happened to the fur under my neck, and indeed under ‘me’ well where the bits of me that touch the red sofa that is!

My nice sleek clean fur is all matted and stuck together and that is ‘clarty,’ the word ‘clarty’ is believe it or not a West Country (probably Devonian) expression for stuff that has clotted or matted together, both mud and cream can be ‘clarty’ and when you lick one it tastes awful, but when you lick the other it is heavenly – promise.

Here is a warning – no not about licking cream that isn’t a creamy colour, it is about the word ‘clarty’ please don’t confuse the West Country definition with the Scottish version, the red headed idiots across the border use the word ‘clarty’ to describe dirt, especially if that dirt is filthy and disgusting, now just imagine licking Scottish Clarty Cream – ugh!

Mind you, the Scottish definition could be used to describe what the fur is like under Dave the Cat’s hat and unfortunately under yours truly, what a shame it is that Cat’s lick themselves clean, well in the main Cat’s lick themselves clean, Dave the Cat says that he gave up licking himself clean for ‘Lent’ being a good Christian Cat that is (news to me of course), then he added that he has one small problem, he doesn’t know when Lent ends and doesn’t want to incur the wrath of the Almighty and lick himself prematurely.

Yes Dave the Cat is quite mad, what on earth would the Almighty and I am sure he is referring to the almighty Oprah Winfrey here do to him for forgetting to wash? Apart from chat showing him to death of course!

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PS

Did anyone see that Bono’s investment company lost $140 million big ones after investing in Palm the phone and unpopular gadget people now that HP has bought them, I laughed, it couldn’t happen to a nice big head could it?

Still I can’t say too much here at the moment and that is because I have just emailed Bono asking if he can give me $550 million (oops that typo again, why do I type two noughts after the five and it comes out like this 550 – I suppose it is just self worth kicking in!) to emancipate me from this feline slavery that I find myself uncomfortably trapped in.

Mind you the slavery has its up side, I am now writing and singing Spirituals, my rhythm seems to have improved greatly, I am wearing a lot of Gingham and considering writing a TV series about my Roots!

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They’ve Sold Peanuts – Does That Mean It’s Me Next?   2 comments

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So they have finally done it! They’ve gone and sold Peanuts to a faceless media corporation, but then of course Peanuts was actually owned by one before the sale with the ‘family’ owning about 25% so nothing changes there. But that did start me thinking about all sorts of other things like how can I be free and have my own rights?

But before we get into my freedoms and rights come on hands up who cares if Peanuts has been sold? Personally I never liked that little guy Charlie Brown, his voice was far too high and he was cruel to most of the people and animals he encountered. Then again of course I didn’t understand the humour, if indeed there was any, but of course I don’t ‘get’ Thanksgiving and that is because I am an English Cat.

Personally I always thought that Peanuts and the other characters were rather dull and worse I think that they all look like those vomit making faces of the characters from the “Love Is” cartoon series, except for the one where “love was” drowning Charlie Brown in schmaltz or did I dream that one?

What worries me and I am sure all of the other famous comedy characters like me is this – when am I going to be sold off and to whom? I really don’t think that I would like to work with those nice (I am sure) people at Iconix Brand Group Inc just look what they have done to the other ‘characters’ they own.

And what’s more who has the right to ‘own’ someone else, I am I thought a free Cat, and then I looked at my contract and realised that my rights are owned by someone else and not me, making me a slave surely? That is just not good enough I should be free don’t all of my wonderful fans agree?

So I have come up with a plan you will be pleased and relieved to hear to guarantee my freedom! I am going to buy the rights to myself, myself, yes you read that correctly, I am going to purchase my own rights so that I can be free to do and say what I like, and better still make the people I like such as all of my wonderful fans laugh, rather than be forced onto some TV commercial, Billboard or piece of corporate give-away crap.

Now based on my research and my own assessment of my core and creative value rounded up in a Goldman Sachs sort of a way and presented as a 25 year bond, I think that if Charlie Brown was worth $175 million, yes believe it or not $175 million then I have to be worth somewhere in the region of $550 million. Actually I was going to say $500 million but my paw slipped and frankly that is a typo I can live with.

So! I hear you ask, just how can I raise that kind of cash to emancipate myself? Well that is simple – Americans and the rest of the free world that is Britain and to some degree Norway believe in freedom for all and indeed all freedoms (unless it conflicts with their religion and or politics although it is difficult to see sometimes where the two separate) and that means that I can rely on them to help me in my struggle to emancipate myself in the same way that they are helping the Afghans to help themselves at the moment.

So if you would like help do please rush to my wickedly wonderful website www www.thecatsdiary.com use the donate button here the giveaway and you will help this Cat to be as free as you are and that is worth the price surely? As you donate you will also be able to join the Great Giveaway, although as the millions start to roll in I may well have provide much bigger prizes.

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Did She Or Didn’t She?   2 comments

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Look she is only little, so why do people make such a fuss about poor Oh Eun-Sun? According to the 3ft 3inch sturdily build Korean (there is only one Korea to Koreans) she has managed to climb all of the highest peaks in the world which is quite an achievement for someone who must think that a MacDonald’s counter is at the top of the world when she is dying for a Big Mac but being ignored.

So why oh why does some clever Richard or is the “clever dick” keep saying that poor little stocky Oh Eun-Sun has missed a significant peak and therefore failed to climb all of the world’s highest mountains, when poor plucky petite Oh Eun-Sun is probably at home with her mountaineers socks off warming her frost bitten chilblanes and trying to recover from a diet of Yaks, milk which apparently turns your stomach into a dangling mess after as far as she was concerned running out of very tall mountain peaks to climb.

Personally I think that the clever Richard is jealous and just because poor little Oh Eun-Su might have become confused at the end of her mountain climbing odyssey and turned right instead of turning left to climb Mt Kanchenjunga, on the border of Nepal, India and China, and gone home instead, it is nothing to get too hot under the thermals about.

Lets face it, if all you have been doing since 1997 when Oh Eun-Sun, who of course is not very tall, started climbing the world’s highest peaks you would get rather disorientated and may forget to climb a mountain or two wouldn’t you especially if it is the last one and some one has called you on your rather outdated mobile phone to tell you that the Shin Ramyun is ready?

Actually I have to confess to getting confused when travelling recently. As I have been writing my latest blockbuster, my wonderful “Travelogue” I have accidentally taken a wrong turning or two myself, but usually I have to add, aided by Dave the Cat’s dreadful directions and appalling map reading skills.

You know, I vote that we vote that poor dwarf-like Oh Eun-Sun be crowned Queen of the Mountains or whatever useless title she is after and let’s brush the Mt Kanchenjunga ‘incident’ under the carpet shall we? After all isn’t it an achievement to climb nearly all the highest mountain peaks in the world? I should say so. Between you and me I get out of breath and giddy just climbing the stairs when slipping off for a snooze on ‘their’ bed so I think that the precocious vertically challenged Korean climbing wonder should get the cake or whatever the prize is don’t you for climbing all of the tallest mountains in the world after all who really cares?

PS

I may have got the exact height of the Korean tiny terror of the Alps wrong, there is nothing in the news to suggest that Oh Eun-Sun is as small as I imagine, except of course the word ‘Korean!’ And that is said with love, Koreans and other tiddlies are really rather nice and happily the Cat can look some of them in the eye without them bending which is handy.

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I think the captions says “I need to go to the loo can you turn the camera off for a minute!” But then I might be wrong!

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I Have Been Busy Again And I Never Stop Giving!   2 comments

Today was so busy and believe it or not this kindly Cat not only pitched in with distributing Cat litter over the kitchen floor I also did a whole pile of ironing.

Yes that is right me ironing if you ever did! Actually there is nothing to it really and I was quiet impressed by how flat I had ironed the pile of sheets and formed a little impression of my body as I slept a comfy pile of sheets in the ironing basket.

I have tried ironing before but fell off the ironing board when I was having a rather vigourous dream about teaching mice not to hide in walls, frankly I have never actually seen a mouse hide in any wall in our house, but it was on Tv in a documentary called Tom and Jerry and so it must be true!

There was a mixed reaction to my ironing efforts from the humans though, both sadly rather negative.

The first was “look at this pile of ironing!” so far so good I thought to my rather pleased self, “it is covered in fur!” Really some people are just not happy with any helping paw are they?

The second comment came from ‘him’ if you know what I mean and have read my un-put-down-able best selling book ‘he’ said something rather odd I thought, “that Cat has got to go!” as usual his effort was half finished like his DIY, because he failed to say where it was that I should go.

But looking on the bright side, something I always do, now I am excited, I am obviously going on some sort of trip, as a reward for my ironing I expect! Honestly I can’t wait for my forthcoming adventure, can you?

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Posted April 22, 2010 by The Cat in Uncategorized

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A Day Off!   2 comments

Today is a day off and the sun is shining so what you may ask am I doing blogging? Now that is a good question I’m outa here.

But first I thought I would share a little bit of sunshine with you in an arty sort of way obviously to hide the graffiti and the ground level pipe that was not installed by the original mediaeval builders I bet. And no I wouldn’t happen to know what it transports and wouldn’t want to guess either, let’s just say I am happy it doesn’t leak when I walk up to the top of the hill and look out over Prague.

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Posted April 16, 2010 by The Cat in Uncategorized

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It Is Amazing What A Little Sun Can Do!   Leave a comment

As a clever Cat I find it is really quite incredible just what a few days of sunshine can do to the human mind.

Here in the middle of Europe people are back in shorts as I said a few blogs ago, the tops of cars are down if they are soft, and that is before the last frosts of the year have finished doing what frosts do.

But it is not only the mad central Europeans who have displayed phototropic responses, happily more and more people have obviously decided to grab a good book, namely mine and sales at places such as Amazon.com and my wickedly wonderful website or www www.thecatsdiary.com have just exploded. What excellent taste you humans have, well the ones who’ve bought my masterpiece of feline literature.

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It seems the sun has also had a wonderful effect on my Prize Giveaway because the donations are rolling in and someone even donated more than a dollar har ha, if you haven’t had an opportunity to look closely at my Prize Giveaway why not pop along to this page on my wickedly wonderful website or www www.thecatsdiary.com here the giveaway and join in the fun.

Even Dave the Cat seems to have caught the Sun and changed his hat for a more summery one although between you and me I am a little worried about Dave the Cat and that is because he seems to be leaning the other way if you see what I mean and that is only the start of it, what about his choice of hat? The only thing you can really say is that it is “consistent” isn’t it!

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Great News   2 comments

The reaction to my latest brilliant idea has been amazing and so what was going to be a very quiet Easter weekend turned into a sort of email fest, where I was replying to fans taking advantage of my amazingly clever idea and of course brilliant scheme – The Great Giveaway

What am I talking about? Well my fantastic giveaway of course (check the link here or my last blog for more information.

The Great Giveaway has been so successful that I am already thinking of expanding it and will probably look at getting some Apple iPads for prizes when they come over here to Europe if they turn out to be more popular than iPod Touches, although what am I saying? That is like John Lennon saying that the Beatles were more famous than the son of God and look who fills more venues now? So what sort of idiot would say that?

One thing I am going to change though is this – I will have to reluctantly change the system a little and send an automated reply and that is because sending all of those email replies by paw over the Easter weekend meant that I couldn’t write any blogs or more importantly put on a few pounds by eating Easter Eggs followed by large numbers of Hot Cross Buns!

Well I hope that you had a very Happy Easter, I am off to cuddle up against a large Chocolate Easter Egg in the window and eat until I pop. Oh don’t worry about the Chocolate melting I am looking forward to cleaning that off my fur, you know how we Cats get clean, it will be like a second helping of Chocolate Egg won’t it?

As you can see from a picture taken on Easter Sunday, Peter the Chocolate Hand Crafted Bunny didn’t really put up much of a fight especially after a quick munch on the Creme Egg, wow the sugar rush you get from one of those babies could power the Space Shuttle if it wasn’t being retired this year. After one bite I was quite ready to wrestle control of the world and not just bite the head off a Bunny.

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