Archive for January 2010

Lighting A Candle For The Cat   4 comments

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I have been on of those tidy ups that leaves you a little nostalgic for the past and so I just thought that I would share my favourite photograph from last year with you. It is a picture of me, of course.

“Such a good looking Cat!” I hear you say and then add and “so talented,” you are very kind and of course unerringly accurate.

The reason why I wanted to share this picture with you all my cuddly and mostly nice smelling readers – apart from you at the back, the old one smelling of Old Spice, have you tried to wash that rubbish off? Is that I thought I would do a round up of the year of 2009 finally and for good by talking about it a little for one last time before we all launch off into the future which of course is called 2010.

You know the sort of things that make you smile from another year swept under the carpet the personalities, the fun and the talented people you meet along the way who don’t annoy you too much because you experience them in small doses.

Then it struck me I will only be talking about myself and you all know me by now I am wonderful and then a little beyond wonderful and so here is my favourite picture of me, keep it safe won’t you, it is like me, remarkable valuable ‘franchisewise’ as someone said though it wasn’t any of the executives of HIT they are all saying where’s the money gone? I imagine.

So what was the best thing that happened to you this year? Was it discovering my blog or reading my book, or did I touch you in a crowd and heal you? I have been known to do that by accident of course, I normally charge for healing sessions.

For me, and let’s face it this is my blog and so it has to be about the superstar sensation of the year, the best thing that happened to me was to see my book rocket up the bestsellers list oh and of course meeting people.

I meet a lot of people in my line of work – superstar, and once the heavies get them to stop pawing the pussy – if you see what I mean – they chat. Obviously most of the people who meet me are a little in awe of me but I like that.

So people are ok, though still a bit scary on mass I think, and at a couple of book signings for my wonderful masterpiece ‘Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary’ you can get a sneak peek here www.thecatsdiary.com or better still (for me) you can buy it here <a href="http://amazon.com&quot; that they got a bit carried away which wasn't nice at all.

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Turning Unsolicited Mail In All Its Forms And Glory Into Profit   2 comments

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For some time all humans with a letterbox have been annoyed by mail slipping through their doors and falling with a slimy thud onto the doormat and haven’t really done much about it.

They moan these days of course about all of the trees that go into a Ford, GM, Coca Cola or worst of all any charity you could possibly imagine (and probably some you can’t) direct mail campaigns but they just throw the rubbish away or light a fire with it.

Humans know that the endless gush of this type of crap can’t be stopped and these underhanded, slippery direct marketing agencies have grown fat on their nasty direct mail campaigns, as have the companies and charities who use them.

Now, as we know the same happens in the cyber world and humans the developed world over have all been getting their undergarments in several twists because of ‘spam.’

Spam is awful and distasteful and is quiet rightly vilified and although I have had a moan or two here on my blog about spam, this blog is not actually about ‘spam’ as such! Well it isn’t about the rubbish that can lengthen parts of your body, make you much smaller in other areas or indeed inform you of the death of a very rich Nigerian or Chinese person, who you have never heard of, and then tell you it is the fervent wish of the correspondent that you and he or she should carve up the deceased assets in unequal shares in your favour – oh no it isn’t.

This good looking Cat wants to tell you about a way to really annoy any of the growing number of companies that send out direct emails, they arrive because you, like me, have been dumb enough to order something from them in the past and now for reasons that only they seem to know they think that they can send you some “Important Communication” or the other.

So here is what you do, reply to the email and make sure that their email is in the body of your reply, and thank them so much of informing them that you have won one of their fine products.

Doing this will ensure that the marketing department is confused and if you are lucky even a little panicked and do please make sure that you reply nicely – after all you have won whatever you fancy from their product range and do I implore you be as extravagant as you possibly can be.

Just now I had an email from the local Apple store, I didn’t ask for it, I didn’t want it and so if they have decided to write to me it must be my lucky day and if it is my lucky day then it follows (surely) that I have won something.

So I replied nicely and said that I would be delighted to accept a new Apple Powerbook which though not as pretty as my beautiful G4 is sort of ok really especially if it is free and I also asked if they could throw in a new Apple iPad that would be exceptional because then I could read my wonderful book “Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary” on it, it is of course available in all ebook formats that matter and the ebooks can be bought here www.thecatsdiary.com.

Of course it goes without saying that I am looking forward to their reply and my winnings being delivered.

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Typos, Best Selling Authors and Mary Queen of Scots   2 comments

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As a world famous writer and good looking Cat, have you read my latest masterpiece – ‘Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary’ you can get a sneak peek here www.thecatsdiary.com or better still (for me) you can buy it here Amazon.com by just copying and pasting the title of my award winning book in their search thingy.

All of which means that as you can probably imagine that as an author I have had a lot practice inserting odd and frankly erratic letters into words and I wondered if anyone else did that sort of thing as often as I seem to do!

To check this I decided to pay particular attention when reading the books of other authors, who are nearly as famous as me, and not drift off as I usually do! Guess what I found that lots of modern authors have loads of words in their books that have – how can we put this – er ‘challenging’ spellings.

I read with a smile in one of Jeremy Clarkson’s books yes that is the Jeremy Clarkson from Top Gear Top Gear.com and the Sunday Times The Times.co.uk no less, that someone was ‘whinning’ when he was talking about coming first and indeed there weren’t at all displeased when they won!

What is so dreadful about these typos is that his books are a bit of a rip off and this is because they consist of articles first published in the UK’s Sunday Times.

Then they are used as Fish and Chip wrappers before being collected up and bundled into a book or 12, which means that at least one sub-editor has missed the mistyping of Mr. Clarkson and if the publishers were interested in quality (yes, I managed to type that with a straight face) they would surely have had someone proof the copy before it was turned into a paperback book wouldn’t they? Which means that two proof readers missed the typos etc.

The use of typos to confuse readers is not a new trend though old Charlie Dickens was as adept as I am with changing the order of the letters in words – I prefer the think that us geniuses do that rather than suggest that we just don’t know how to spell things.

And this is to say nothing of Will Shakespeare yet! But then it was as you may know was a common practice in merry old England (or is that ‘merrie olde’ England) in Elizabethan times or is that tymes, to do that sort of thing a lot.

Based on this I have come to the conclusion that the Elizabethans were just very bad typists, well there can’t be any other reason for the dreadful spelling in the paragraph below.

The paragraph of gibberish is taken from an account of the trial and execution of Mary Queen of Scots written by Henry Grey, Earl of Kent, one of the principal Commissioners at the Queen’s trial and execution:-

‘… then laye shee downe verye quietlye stretchinge out her bodye, & layinge her necke over the blocke, cryed, In manus tuas domine, &c. One of the  executioners held downe her hande[s], the other did w[i]th 2 strokes of an axe cut of her head, w[hi]che (falling of her attire) appeared verye graye & near powled [bald] … the blooddye cloathes, the blocke, & what soever els bluddye was burned, in the chimneye fyer

Just for your convenience and sanity I have translated some of the weirder words that for some reason have fallen into disuse like “powled.” But still it is nonsense even I can type better than that, and I am a Cat!

Actually I have to apologise about the image for some reason I couldn’t find a photograph of the execution of Mary Queen of Scots which was a bit of a shame or indeed a photograph of her at all, which just goes to show how good the Elizabethans were when they set about erasing someone from history.

In addition I would like to make one observation on the painting of the execution of Mary Queen of Scots, she was a bit dim wasn’t she? After all even this Cat knows that you have to face the floor when kneeling over the execution block so that the man with the chopper has a fair chance!

Silly Queen!

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Goodbye Google Maps – Hello Bing Maps   Leave a comment

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Well my long suffering, oops I mean faithful, readers here is another moan about www.google.com and unbelievably some praise for www.bing.com well the maps department anyway.

At the weekend friends of mine told me to go and have a look on www.rightmove.co.uk at a house that they were thinking of buying!

By the way www.rightmove.co.uk is a great little English website, it is small, only run by a couple of people trying to do a good job, where you can find property to buy and rent which if you are actually looking for property to buy or rent is, you have to admit, pretty handy isn’t it?

Sadly www.google.com that ever annoying and bulging behemoth is trying to send little companies like www.rightmove.co.uk out of business by offering free listings of properties so that they can get even more advertising revenue buy stealing it away from family style companies like www.rightmove.co.uk or at least that was what I was reading on www.bbc.com the other day.

Well I have deviated from my point but that means I have a lot to say and am not a ‘deviant’ honestly.

So my friends said have a look at a house called “Knapp Farmhouse” which they said was in the odd and I think rather distinctive sounding village of “Puncknowle” in the delightfully charming English county of Dorset.

Being inquisitive (it is such a nicer word than ‘nosey’ isn’t it?) I decided to not only have a look at the pretty pictures of the property that my friends were thinking of buying and closely study the property particulars, I decided to find out exactly where the oddly and distinctively named village of “Puncknowle” was and how close it might be to the sea and the lovely fresh fish especially Prawns that people pull out of that bit of the English Channel, just in case I get invited to stay and on the off chance get offered fish.

Now we all know because we have been told by www.google.com that their map search thingy is second to none and with street view it is even better because you can get to see into peoples houses – sounded good to me and so I copied and pasted the address of the house my friends were thinking of buying into Google maps, and here I have to say that www.rightmove.co.uk are sticklers for accuracy because they give to entire address of the property that they are marketing even down to the post code (or zip code as my lovely American readers would know it better).

Then I waited for the magic to happen!

Imagine my surprise when this good looking Cat got not only a picture of the house my friends are thinking of buying but also an advert which said that the property was a sort of guest house that we only have in the UK I believe and call a “bed and breakfast,” these places are sort of like motels but with limited parking, but are fun to visit because the people who run them are usually mad and do odd things like pre-Basil Fawlty’s and on a smaller scale.

Knapp Farmhouse according to this advert (and the brochure that popped up when I clicked on a link) was indeed a bed and breakfast and strangely enough it was a completely different building to the one on www.rightmove.co.uk.

I was astonished that my friends were obviously considering ‘trade,’ were they that far down on their luck poor things? And my shock and horror grew as I noticed that the address of the property on Google maps was completely different to the address I had been given by them and also the nice website www.rightmove.co.uk.

My suspicions began to grow, were my friends trying to tell me something? Because with the help of Google maps had I discovered that they were about to move and didn’t want to give me the address of their new home and were thinking of disappearing forever – bastards!

Happily I am not the sort of clever feline that jumps too far to any conclusion and so I first checked to see if maybe some clumsy stroke of a furry paw had pasted in the wrong address – but no it wasn’t that.

Then I checked to see if the address my friends had given me was the same as the one on www.rightmove.co.uk – no that wasn’t the reason for having a different address and indeed picture on Google maps.

I called my friends and checked the address with them “yes” they said “that’s the right address, what did I think of the farmhouse and also the guest accommodation?” (A converted barn big enough for about twenty Cats).

“Very nice I said!” And put the phone down in confusion, it was obvious that they weren’t trying to get rid of me as a friend, they had asked me about the guest accommodation hadn’t they?”

So that meant that there had to be some other reason for the glaring discrepancy between the pictures of the house on www.rightmove.co.uk and bed and breakfast brochure on Google maps! They were so different and so it led me to think that they must be two different properties, but the smarties at www.google.com couldn’t be wrong could they? They are bright, they are clever, they are at long last moaning to China about their really dreadful freedom of speech issues, they are the next best thing to god aren’t they?

They have most of the same letters in there name as ‘him’ after all and they seem to control and manage everything and if they don’t like you or what you say they aren’t above a bit of censorship of their own are they?

So what to do, this little problem was gnawing at me, was there a way of checking whether www.rightmove.co.uk had made a mistake – yes there was they have an aerial picture of the property which probably most people would look at first and so now I checked that and it was different too www.google.com, then I thought maybe I should see what another aerial picture would look like and so I went to www.bing.com.

www.bing.com have a map and an aerial picture thingy, the map is actually much better than www.google.com and has a lot of map type information and not a lot of ads and guess what you can make the map full size so that you can see more of the map unlike Google maps which has more space for ads that are on the left hand side of the screen and can’t be made smaller to show more, well any of the map.

The aerial picture is not as good on www.bing.com but who cares about that? When I searched www.bing.com with the same address (glad that I had copied it and could paste it in so many times www.bing.com found the right property which agreed with the address that my friends had given me and also the pictures on www.rightmove.co.uk, bit of course not with Google maps.

So I think that unbelievably, because I am not a great fan of Microsoft at all, www.bing.com has won a little more of my heart, it isn’t as inaccurate as www.google.com, it is less committed to plastering ads all over your screen when you are snooping on your friends new home in the map section and you can even ‘see’ what you are looking for full screen after you have found it and not a collection of adverts unlike Google maps and soon it will be the search engine of choice on the iphone.

Now of course the reason Apple Computers are changing their search engine on the iphone according to the www.bbc.com is that Apple Computers are annoyed that the iphone has some competition in the shape of the Google Android (‘phone’ as it has been described) – some competition har ha – and they are annoyed that they might only sell one billion and one iphones instead of one billion and ten iphones next year or something petulant like that.

So I have decided that for the time being that like Apple Computers I too like www.bing.com and I seriously suggest that you have a gawp at it too!

Currently one of their screen pictures is of a Cat as well, a rather fine Cat as well let’s hope that the rather fine Mountain Lion is pouncing on the idiot who works at Google maps and was responsible for England and in particular Dorset, let’s face it Google maps should get rid of that idiot as fast as possible it is giving them a bad name.

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Just How Cruel Are Humans?   8 comments

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I saw a headline today on a news website which read “Early mammals floated to Madagascar!” I ask you how cruel is that? Why would anyone want to float early mammals or indeed any mammals to Madagascar it is a long way isn’t it?

“Ok!” I thought to myself, “so Madagascar is a nice place but don’t they have plenty of mammals of their own?” And not only that isn’t it a little cruel to float any mammal anywhere, with or without their consent!

And there is so much more that is wrong about this headline, not only is there the consent issue, floating over to Madagascar from Africa means that the poor little animals have such a long way to float, are little mammals that bouyant?

And not only that what if they drifted just a little off course, where would they end up? The Southern Ocean is the answer and that is a terrible place for several reasons, the seas are so rough and cold there but worst of all there isn’t any land for thousands of miles in any direction and the only people fool enough to cross the Southern Ocean are lone yachtsmen or yachtswomen and can you imagine what it would like to be stranded with one of them? It would be simply awful!

First they probably haven’t had an intelligent conversation with anyone since they left England twenty thousand miles ago, oh yes of course they would have visited Australia but in my experience you can’t get an intelligent conversation there so they would just talk constantly!

Then worst of all the lone yachtsman or yachtswoman would be very, very annoyed and that is because they are supposed to do their intrepid stuff alone, the clue of course is in the title “lone yachts etc,” so they probably would make any floating mammal who hopped on board very unwelcome indeed.

Which all goes to show that floating early mammals to Madagascar is a thoroughly bad idea, just because the poor devils are early to rise in the morning well that is what this good looking Cat thinks.

On a different subject have you been to my website recently the techie bods there have been working like little slaves bless them and have found a way to put this blog on my site, so if you want a double treat go to my site the cat’s diary one here – www.thecatsdiary.com I hope you enjoy it as much as I always do!

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Posted January 21, 2010 by The Cat in Uncategorized

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I Have Been Very Busy!   2 comments

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Hello all of my sad and faithful readers. I am sorry that you might feel a little neglected at the moment, but I have been doing so many things that I have even had to start multi tasking my multi tasking and then there is the snow ho hum.

But please don’t worry I of course I haven’t forgotten about you lovely cuddly readers, Cats are like Elephants (as the picture of good old Ginger in his Elephant suit demonstrates) we don’t forget.

Well to be honest we aren’t that much like Elephants on the outside though, our noses are small thank goodness, and our ears only stick out a bit, and then their is the size… but I think you know what I mean.

I am sorry that the picture of Ginger is a bit out of focus and frankly not up to the usual standard that, I know, you expect from my wonderful blog but this good looking Cat was laughing too much to keep his paws still when he took it, Ginger is such a comedian. I am only glad that I managed to straighten up once to snap the snap if you see what I mean, I was doubled with laughter the whole time.

Ginger kept shaking the tree and whining “I’m stuck, please help, I’m going to fall,” which worried the hell out of the lunchtime shoppers below I can tell you!

Sadly Ginger is in a cast at the moment and I don’t mean in yet ‘another’ revival of Lord Lloyd Webbers musical “Cats” which borrowed all of its creative genius from his usual sources! Oh no, Ginger, being the clown that he is decided it would be a great idea to do a paw stand shortly after the picture above was taken and… well what can I say it wasn’t a particularly great idea at all!

But you have to hand it to Ginger, the Elephant suit was a masterpiece! It is the opinion of all Cats that we start wearing ‘suits,’ because for too long female humans have been wearing Cat suits and now it’s our turn.

One small problem with the Elephant suit we all agreed upon was the sheer weight of it, we could hardly move with all of that padding strapped on, I felt like at least two Mrs. Doubtfires I have to say.

But one thing we did agree on is that we will be wearing other fancy dress costumes so the next time you seen your favourite movie star on TV you might take a closer look to check that it isn’t a Cat in more than a Hat!

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Posted January 15, 2010 by The Cat in Uncategorized

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Some More Personal Information   Leave a comment

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A lot of people ask me about me, and although I am a subject that I never tire of speaking about I feel do have to admit that I feel dreadfully limited when talking about myself and that is simply because I am wonderful, have done so much, am so good looking and of course have endless talent all of which means I just don’t have enough time to tell people who are interested in me, about me, to say nothing of the people who aren’t interested in me.

Of course I have pondered what to do about this dilemma and happily have come up with what I am sure you will agree is quite a brilliant little ruse.

I thought I would, on an occasional basis, share some of my likes, dislikes, thoughts and so much more with you in little one line statements of truth!

It is better to call them ‘truths’ so that no one bothers to check to see if they are actually true! Have you noticed that it is something politicians learned many years ago around the time they also learned to shed their skins, to say nothing of the art of pretending to be in control when things have got so bad that if they were driving a car instead of running a country the steering wheel would have come off in their hands just as the speedo reached 160 mph, which of course converted for our metric only readers is um… very fast indeed.

So here, you lucky people is my little fact of the day, it is of course all about me and utterly true!

The largest number of books I’ve sat on, at one time, is 13!

Now don’t forget that you can also discover so much more about me if you buy my masterpiece of a book “Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” which is still available at Amazon.com for next to nothing and have been described as wonderful not only by the author!

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