Archive for November 2009

Cat World – The Latest News!   Leave a comment

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After 6 hours of talks today with our financial advisers we are now able to tell the world what they have suggested. The first suggestion is one that we have adopted immediately and that is that we advise all of our investors not to panic and remain calm or at least try to get control of themselves.

The advisers went on to suggest that there happily is a very simple resolution to this very minor hiatus in the liquidity of Cat World which is due in part to the enormous record beating amounts of money that we borrowed to launch Cat World, to say nothing of the rate at which we spent that money, happily all of these little setbacks can be resolved by borrowing even more money and that is exactly what we intend to do starting today.

With this sagely advice in mind we have launched the CW2F or Cat World 2 Fund which offers investors the opportunity to invest truly Madoffian amounts of cash secured against a 9th rights and share issue and our solemn promise that all investors will receive either their money back plus interest or a piece of some of the most exciting island and coastal real estate in the middle of the east, a place where they can retire in the sun and sand and watch the lagoon waters rising as global warming really begins to bite. Uh-ok!

Privately my advisers whispered to me – run Cat, RUN, as fast as you can!

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Posted November 30, 2009 by The Cat in Uncategorized

Something For The Little Man   Leave a comment

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As with all financial disasters, it is always the little man in the street who suffers most; and we here at Cat World don’t want that to happen this time! Not that we are suggesting that Cat World is in a disastrous financial state and facing almost immediate ruin, oh no we aren’t suggesting that at all!

But this time we are going to make sure that the little man is as safe as one of the houses, shops or office blocks that we have developed on our manmade lagoon islands. And how are you going to do that I hear you ask quite rightly?

Well for all small investors under 4ft 6ins tall we are going to offset the value of your risk according to your height then assemble all of these risks into several thousand Premium Financial Instruments and then once they are assembled we will roll them into a ‘Vertically Challenged Bond’ or VCB.

We will then offer our VCB bonds to a very select and exclusive group of investors through our Merchant Bankers. This group of very wealthy and exclusive individuals is known as the ‘Anyone Group’ and our Merchant Bankers have guaranteed that Anyone will be able to invest in our VCB bonds, and, furthermore they have also pledged that all taxpayers will be able to invest in this premium financial product the VCB bond twice allowing enormous rewards for us Cat World and the directors of our Merchant Bank.

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Posted November 29, 2009 by The Cat in Uncategorized

Cat World Debt Fears!   Leave a comment

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My dear friends and investors, I would like to take a moment to talk about some articles in the gutter press, such as The Financial Times, the Wall Street Journal and of course the BBC damn their keyboards, that report some ‘problems’ that we here are having at Cat World.

What can I say except – financial problems? What financial problems? There is talk I believe that after borrowing several hundred billion dollars from friends, relatives and complete strangers and spending it in a wise fashion, very quickly, that we can’t meet the repayments.

Nothing, I have to say is further from the truth we can meet the repayments on these world record loans, we just want to wait a few years to do that, then at a time when the dollar, which it is true we have helped to cripple, is worth as much as the chocolate filled tinfoil coins on a Christmas tree we’ll make some repayments.

Our advisers, ex board members of the Bank of Credit and Commerce, have assured us that this is not only perfectly legal but something which is done everyday in the banking world.

So my fellow board members of Cat World the wonderful entertainment, holiday destination, business centre and housing complex and I want to squash all of these dreadful rumours before they get out of hand and do something terrible, like say adversely affect the world’s stock exchanges, we would like to do that but unfortunately we are off on holiday and will get back to you later.

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Posted November 28, 2009 by The Cat in Uncategorized

It Just Occurred Me!   Leave a comment

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You know something really sad just occurred to me and that is that some poor souls out there in humanland might just not know what a Prawn is!

Or worse they might have for all of their lives miss out on the beauty, elegance and crunchiness of Prawns, which are for those of you who don’t know less crunchy when they are shelled.

In fact I have to say that I really only recommend eating Prawns when they are shelled, but if an unshelled prawns slips out of a human’s hand and then slithers across the floor at you what do you do, you crunch don’t you obviously.

In America the land of the big, they call Prawns Shrimp, I don’t really know why but I do know that Shrimp are, how can I put this err – ‘built.’ They are an enormous dream come true, well for this Cat at least!

So I hope that I have cleared up any confusion and that everyone, because that is the number of people who read my blog, knows what a Prawn is, but remember one Prawn is all very well but they are better when they come by the gross then they are 144 little packages of pink delight.

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Posted November 27, 2009 by The Cat in Uncategorized

Fat Cats Are Not All Bankers   Leave a comment

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It is true! Not all fat Cats are Bankers, according to those nice people at Purina a third of all pets in the UK are overweight,* so if that is the case what about the numbers in the states? It doesn’t bear thinking about does it?

So what are we going to do? I know, you could feed us Cats Prawns! Prawns are the perfect food they are full of energy, protein and not at all fattening. And of course some vegetarians eat Prawns, you know the ones I mean who don’t understand the word ‘vegetarian.’

Still I would happily live just on a diet of Prawns. So if you want to send me buckets or lorry loads I will happily munch my way to fitness.

Editors note:
As you will know from his book “Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary,” available here Amazon.com,The Cat is sadly addicted to Prawns and although he is allowed them once in a while as a treat to send lorry loads to him as he suggested would be impractical, so please if you have followed his instructions and the lorries are on their way to The Cat Headquarters do please stop them and turn them around now.

The image used in this blog is deliberately distorted to preserve anonimity of this poor flabby feline, but we know who you are chubby chops don’t we!

* Source http://www.purina.co.uk

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Posted November 27, 2009 by The Cat in Uncategorized

I Am A TTC!   Leave a comment

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Yes that is right I am a TTC – Truly Transatlantic Cat! And so here is a happy Thanksgiving from me to all my fans over on that side of the pond.

I sincerely wish you all well and hope that you get what you wish for!

Purrs,

The Cat


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Posted November 26, 2009 by The Cat in Uncategorized

Oops!   Leave a comment

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Oh I am sorry about the last blog! There does that make amends?

How was I to know that what I wrote would come true? That some nice Polly’s would, err how can I put this? Make a wish come true?

No that is not very nice at all and again I have to apologise. Now that sounds like I don’t want to apologise if I ‘have’ to and that, I promise sincerely, is not the case.

Tee hee!

Parrots are after all are God’s creatures even if they are Gay Pigeons. Still the good news is that now at least we know who to blame for Parrots don’t we!

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Posted November 26, 2009 by The Cat in Uncategorized