Mr. John Woodcock says that he thinks the reason why ‘Tram No6 – The Naughtiest of Trams’ is selling so well is that it’s illustrated in colour through-out and was one of the first picture books written and developed for colour ereaders (probably why it stuck on the shelves of Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk for so long before they we’re invented – and not my first thought which was that he is a talentless nobody who is only employed as my translator because he is the only human in the world who can speak Cat. You will know exactly what I think of him if you have read my book ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ which out sells Mr. John Woodcock’s book by thousands to one!

Of course I very rarely make references to other books when I can always mention my own which are such masterpieces but there is always a first time for everything as my Mum said when she was strapping the Bungee cord to her ankle, which of course is another story… which I am writing at the moment and Mr. John Woodcock is desperately trying to translate!

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As for this unfortunate Cat I wouldn’t be able to have a testicle massage in Bangkok as readers of my first book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ will recall. Some nice person mentioned to me as I was writing this paragraph that that was a bit sad, ‘A BIT SAD!’ Huh I would call it a crime agains Cat kind!

Lastly what has ‘SMILE TEEN MASSAGE’ got to do with anything? Answers in the usual format please unless this Cat has completely misunderstood what a ‘smiling teen’ has to do with a ‘testicle massage,’ then I think that your answers should be in private only!

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A lot of newspapers recently have been carrying a story about an 85 year old pensioner being hit on the head by a Cat in Buenos Aires in July. The pensioner was knocked unconscious and was in a coma for a long while after being hit by the Cat and has never really recovered from the incident. The Cat wasn’t so fortunate and didn’t survive the fall from the fourth storey.

So what was a fine looking Cat doing falling four stories I hear you ask? Images come to mind of a devil may care feline tethering on a window ledge 50 feet in the air come to mind, or a swashbuckling puss walking a tightrope of telephone wires strung from one building to another. Sadly the truth of what happened to this poor Cat is not only rather mundane it is also absolutely disgusting.

Apparently a couple on the forth floor were having a blazing row, can you see where this is going, no I bet you can’t dear cuddly reader but then you are a normal well adjusted individual! What happened is so bizarre it wouldn’t even appear in one of my books, during their quarrel the husband picked up the family pet and threw it at his wife, but she ducked and the Cat sailed through an open window.

Can you imagine what went through the husband’s head at that moment, “I hate you and I am going to kill you, I will kill you with a um… err… a… yes I know a Cat.’ What was he thinking! I am afraid I don’t know.

There has been a lot of discussion about the injuries to the pensioner of course and her family seem to expect compensation for her quite rightly, but sadly as happens in these cases all too often no one seems to be saying, until now – this. “The person who did this is one of the cruelest most disgusting individuals on the planet and The Cat hopes that something really very awful happens to him.”

What is it with some of you humans and Cats, we aren’t vases, blunt instruments or any other kind of deadly weapons, please stop treating us as though we are inanimate.

About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Sometimes you see a sign that really asks more questions than it answers, just like this one from the masters of misinformation and translation, the Japanese bless them.

This sign from a Monkey Park (yes you guessed right) is one of the best exhibits of the Japanese tradition of ‘Ru-bbishy’ which roughly translated means ‘nonsense signage.’

I am afraid that is all of the information I can give my dear cuddly readers I thought the Monkey Park was lovely and so did the Monkeys but I never discovered exactly what the Bird and Deer look for which is quite sad because if I had I would have been able to tell everyone in my latest masterpiece of feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ and put some of the other pictures I took of Japan on the Cat’s Diary www-wickedlywonderfulwebsite www.thecatsdiary.com.

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I saw this picture and the first thing that came to mind was “what are they thinking about when they wrote this sign?” The answer of course is nothing, no thought whatsoever was used in making this sign, was it?

England has some strange by-laws which come from its dark past (around the time of Mrs. Thatcher’s iron rule) and so I worry for the people who put this sign on a Post Box. It is not only illegal to do something like that but I would imagine carries a sever punishment under the archaic laws of the land. The perpetrators will probably have their Sheep taken away and have their children put into the service of the crown just for starters.

I have always wanted any opportunity to tell my wonderful cuddly readers about some of the mad laws that are still ‘law’ (if you see what I mean) in England and now seems like the perfect chance.

Did you know that it’s illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament? That it’s a treasonable act to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen’s image upside down, though of course you can lick the stamp as much as you like!

There are lots of really dumb laws that benefit the English royals one that comes to mind is that the head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the king, and the tail of the queen. What on earth do they want them for?

And when you start to really delve into the nonsense that is English law you discover that eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned, obviously instead of tucking into Christmas delicacies the law expects ordinary people to be doing something useful and as England is rarely not at war keeping their fighting skills honed is important.

To ensure that Englishmen are ready for war the law of the land still says that all English Men over 14 must have two hours of longbow practice each weekend which has to be supervised by the local clergy.

And don’t ever think that an English person can become as rich as the royal family for example, because under the oddest of English laws and indeed one of the most modern (Tax Avoidance Schemes – Prescribed Descriptions of Arrangements – Regulations 2006) it’s illegal not to tell the taxman something you don’t want him to know on the other hand not telling him things you don’t mind him knowing is fine.

About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Mind you if you really don’t want to give up something, modify your behaviour or do whatever it is that a New Year’s resolution would make you do then the once a year thing works just fine, but maybe people who find it difficult working to such short deadlines should start to make resolutions on February 29th I have a feeling that “Leap Year Resolutions” would be best for them.

Obviously the main advantage of “Leap Year Resolutions” is that you have plenty of time to plan just how you are going to keep them and of course if you really enjoy what you are about to give up then you have plenty of time to enjoy it right up until the deadline.

Actually don’t you think that it’s odd that the things we really like doing like eating Chocolate, drinking red wine and so on are the subjects of New Year’s and in the future Leap Year’s Resolutions? Why is it that we should give up the things we like and vow to take up jogging or visit the Gym more often? Beats me! But then that might be a subject for another blog.

All of which bring me round nicely to the title of this blog ‘how many New Year’s Resolutions have you broken so far?’ And indeed offers a new question – how many of the things that you decided to do/give up in your New Year’s Resolutions were things that you didn’t want to stop doing or of course not start in the first place – such as more trips to the Gym etc?

I don’t think that we should not look after ourselves but let’s face it who among us are as mad as Jane Fonda and want to exercise for most of the day and still have to get our publicity shots headily Photoshopped. Not me but then my face is covered in a dense layer of fur which hides any wrinkles I might have, not that I am saying I have any, so I have an advantage over most of my readers here who would be, if they were like little old me, at the electrolysis clinic for hours on end everyday. Being a Cat has so many advantages doesn’t it?

As the cartoon below shows you have to ask yourself a lot of difficult questions about any New Year’s Resolutions which you may be considering and if you are like Mary Poppins and though in a less icky way like me ‘practically perfect in every way’ then why should you be even thinking of making any New Year’s Resolutions in the first place?

I think if you want to wear a hair shirt and make a New Year’s Resolutions to give up something or change something about yourself just because you think others might expect it of you, you should stop thinking like that immediately and do something really useful that will make an impact, send me the money you would save by not doing what ever it is you were doing and I promise to enjoy every cent, even after I have bought a Motor Yacht that is six inches bigger than Steven Spielberg’s.

There I hope that makes you all feel much better because it isn’t such a bad thing to have little or no will power, let’s face it it is what most if not all of the institutions around the world today rely on, us being so easy to manage and guilt ridden to say nothing of hoping our attention spans are the same as Goldfish – here I am mainly thinking about banks and bankers. Happily that lack of will power and short attention span is not an affliction that affects Cats in any way whatsoever it is so great to be a Cat and so much better to be The Cat who writes blogs.

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Although Prawns are my favourite shellfish I have also enjoyed the fleeting company of Lobsters, Crab, Langoustines, Shrimp (the tiny English ones) and of course Mussels, but I refused to eat what was on this menu in Hanoi, Vietnam and I ask you can you blame me?

Even when crap meat is rolled twice in Salmon skin and friend it hardly sounds like a delicacy does it? In fact the idea of it put me right off my Roasted Salmon Head and I walked out of the establishment that bravely called itself a restaurant feeling hungry and let down.

About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Why would someone want to put CCTV in a wood? And where did they go to school? Are two of the questions that come to mind.

Still it;s a nice copse and if the CCTV is in colour then it probably makes attractive viewing, though I think we can rule out ‘interesting’ viewing don’t you dear reader?

The CCTV can’t have been installed to protect the trees can’t it? After all if you want to protect a tree you don’t hammer a six inch nail into it to hang a sign from do you?

You humans are definitely mad, well most of you, not my wonderfully cuddly readers of course, they are extremely smart because they have bought my books ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ by the hundreds of thousands and I have to say that I love them for it, thank you so very much.

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It’s nice to be back home and have a peaceful day instead of whistling across miles of snow trying to avoid the occasional lone Pine Tree and tired pensioner. This weekend I put my Paws up and ‘veged’ out in front of the box or as the automatic Lion spell checker would have it, I ‘vexed’ out in front of the box, that sounds as though I got mad watching TV but I didn’t I promise I was quite mellow in fact and watched one of my favourite movies ‘Babe’ which is, as you may now about a rather nice talking Pig and of course I enjoyed the movie, and its delightful little Pig actor (how many times can you say that in a sentence and get away without being sued?).

After the movie I did get mad or as Lion would call it ‘vexed’ and then a little ill when I was going through my email and saw what ‘a friend; in China had sent me, the picture below, the email said that ‘my friend’ knew I liked to publish strange pictures now and again and what could be stranger than a restaurant that served Pig’s Organ Soup.

“Poor Babe,” was my first thought and then I started to think about what they might serve in the restaurant and got a little sicker, after that I wondered what or who on Earth ‘Kway Chap’ is, so I looked it up on Wikipedia, I am pleased to say that it is safe to go back there now because they no longer carry pictures of Jimmy Wales the founder of Wikipedia and other flunkies begging for your cash, I’d give, honest they are all so ugly it just makes you wan tho keep you credit card in your wallet don’t you think.

Anyway I digress but then you probably wouldn’t be reading this blog if you didn’t know that The Cat who writes blogs and books digresses on occasions, Kway Chap is I discovered eventually on Wikipedia is a combination of thick, flat rice flour (Kuay Teow) noodles stir-fried in dark soy sauce with green leafy vegetables, Chinese sausage or unspecified Pig’s Offal and some fried lard. The article wasn’t that helpful but then if you spend so much time raising money you can be expected to make your website encyclopaedic can you?

So yes you heard it first here on the wonderfully clever Cat’s blog, the latest Chinese food craze that’s sweeping the land of people who can’t manufacture electronic devices or socks even though they are shown how to do it patiently by us in the West I is ‘Pig’s Organ Soup.’ The soup recipe from hell!

You know I have a theory, if the Chinese concentrated on carefully making the goods that they manufacture over in slavelabourland instead of inventing ever more odd and unusual meals maybe the rubbish that they make and ship here to the West would last a little longer than the boxes they come in!

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Yes that is right whole Global Warming is frying other parts of the planet the Bohemian Mountains are covered in a blanket of all sorts of cold stuff. What a good job that this Cat has a glossy fur coat it is so useful when playing ‘where’s the road.’

So the delay in getting back to Cat World HQ means that we will just have to do a lot more skiing, partying and generally amusing and enjoying ourselves, sigh life can be so hard sometimes… I understand!

About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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I found the recipe below for Cat Sushi and thought that all of my wonderful and ultra cuddly Christmasy fans might like to make it while they are on holiday and still full of Turkey, the really great news is that you don’t need a ‘Cat’ as one of the ingredients for Cat Sushi.

You will need a tiny bit of artistic flair and hands unused to handling large hammers, steel pressing machinery and other tough tools so I understand if you decide give this recipe a miss.

Cat Sushi

So if you are serious about creating a masterpiece in Sushi which as a lucky coincidence would have it is also a portrait of me please (I beg you) read the complete instructions before starting it will help both you and me because you will get the recipe right first time and not end up covered in Seaweed and I, thankfully, won’t have to repeat myself or clarify any perceived anomalies.

For one roll of sushi, you will need

A little more than one piece of Nori (Nori is the Japanese name for edible seaweed)

Some sushi rice around 6 tablespoons full

Black Sesame Powder

Canned Tuna (Tomato flavoured) to make the orange colour

Pickled ginger – for the pink colour

Soy sauce – for the brown colour

Cut you Nori in half, one bit is used to wrap around the outside of the sushi roll.

After that cut the other half of the seaweed into four equal pieces (not lengthwise to make four long strips but the other way to make the shape in the picture below).

Next you need to colour the rice. Do this by mixing some rice with whatever you’re using to colour your rice in a bowl. For each of the colours, you’ll only need about 2 large tablespoons of rice.

Now you can begin shaping the Sushi roll

First, make mini rolls using the small pieces of nori which we cut from the second half of the seaweed sheet. As a guide each roll should be 1/8th of the size of the original Seaweed sheet.

Carefully place a small amount of rice on the edge or the Seaweed and roll it up to make a thin roll. You are going to need 3 rolls of white rice and one roll of pink which is for the Cat’s mouth and you will need to make two of the white rolls smaller than the white and the pink ones by using less rice and rolling up tightly of course.

Now because Cat’s noses are smaller, we make need to make one roll a lot thinner do this if you use a little Black Pepper to colour the rice it will look a lot more like a Cat’s nose – a sort of light brown colour.

Now slice one of the white rolls and the pink rolls in half and carefully place the half sheet of nori onto your Sushi mat lengthwise, as we will be rolling ‘sideways.’

Spread some white, orange and black rice onto the nori in the pattern shown in the picture above. Make sure that the width of the black and orange stripes is the same as those of the semicircle rolls you made above and of course the white stripe in the middle should also be the same width.

Place the two white semicircle rolls facing upwards onto the red and black lines. Fill the area between them with white rice and then place another layer of rice above this (obviously I didn’t put the layer of rice on in the picture above, so the nose ended up on the eyes).

Place the dark brown ‘nose’ roll in right in the centre of the layer of rice.

Place both of the pink semicircles on top of the ‘nose’ facing downwards as shown. Then put a layer of rice over and around that so that the middle bit is a bit like a round mountain of rice.

Roll up the sushi using the mat then slice it up with a very sharp knife. If you need to, give the sushi a bit of a ‘massage’ to get it into the right shape.

Cut thin strips of nori and place them on the Sushi to make whiskers.

Using the two small white rolls from before, cut each into the same thickness as the Cat Sushi for the ears. then place two ears on each Cat Sushi and “hey presto” as rabbit interfering Magicians say – you are done and you will either have a tasty mess or with any luck a plateful of Cat Sushi. Do think of me when you are eating the good looking ones won’t you!

A HANDY TIPS

1. – If you are having trouble making clean cuts of your Sushi try this little tip. Moisten your knife with a mixture of water and Vinegar.

2. – Always cut Sushi quickly with one stroke.

3. – Your life will be easier if you wipe any sticky stuff off your blade after every cut.

For the more ambition Sushi makers.

I thought that you might like to see what one of my dear cuddly readers gave me for lunch the other day – “mmh mmh” was all this writer of masterpieces of feline literature could say but then I have heard it is rude to talk with ones mouth full!

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As I am on holiday I think that my blogs will be a little short for a few more days but I am sure that you understand because you are all so kind.

I thought that you might like to see a picture of me in the snow, but as I posted it up I suddenly realised that I can’t actually see me, I must have slipped out of the picture or behind a rock while Ginger was saying “back, back, left, left, no left a bit more and back.” You wait until I see him this morning!

About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Here is an essential tip for everyone who got an ereader for Christmas from your friendly superstar Cat. Whatever you do make sure that you download my books to your eReader from either Amazon or my www.wickedlywonderfulwebsite shop here The Cat’s Webstore

Here are some essential links to Amazon.com that will take you to both Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary or here Amazon’s page for The Cat’s Travelogue all you have to do is to click the blue line or lines of your choice.

Just so you know what you are looking for here are some pretty pictures of the covers. May I suggest that once you have read my ebooks you order a copy of each book in paper form for your bookcase, they too look wonderful on any bookcase shelf because they have pictures of me on the covers and spines.

Don’t forget that those nice people at Amazon.com and also my www.wickedlywonderfulwebsite don’t stop for Christmas or the New Year and so if you want to fill your brand new shiny eReader, whatever the make, you can do it right now, and of course if you do then you will make a little Cat very happy indeed!

About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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I just don’t get Lego and can’t for the life of me understand the attraction of so many bits and pieces and odd little lego shaped figures. Apparently there is a box of Lego bits that if you have the patience makes something called a Uni Mog and if you are like me this is where you say “so what!”

Why would anyone want to make a lego Uni Mog? I have no idea frankly, and to make matters worse although I have no real clear idea what a ‘Uni Mog’ looks like I am pretty sure it does’t look like the picture below. Just to put the Uni Mog business to bed I should for the sake of detailed reporting say that the Uni Mog is the biggest, most complicated Lego Technic set on sale consists of 2,048 pieces! It costs over $300! What a waste! Imagine for a moment just how many Prawns you can get for three hundred big ones!

I was in London the other day Eurostarring. I had to make some visits to shops featuring my latest book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ and sign them for the throngs of happy people who had waited hours in the rain in Brussels, Paris and London, well I say ‘happy’ that of course is a little truth wrestling the crowds weren’t happy to wait in the rain but they cheered up with a few personally ‘pawed’ (my way of signing) books.

I had just stepped off the rather dirty Eurostar train and was confronted by the 40 ft high Lego Christmas Tree in the main concourse of St Pancras Station which apparently according to the sign standing, mainly unread, in front of it was made using 600,000 pieces by the children from the Harpenden Explorer Scouts, Edith Neville Primary School in Camden and Copenhagen Primary School in Islington.

The forlorn sign under the Christmas Tree where in a normal world wrapped presents would sit goes on to say that the Lego Christmas Tree took the young ones ‘just’ two months to build.

What a shame they wasted their time, like all things ‘Lego’ the Lego Christmas looks very little like the real life object. But then the world isn’t real is it and the only reason there aren’t any presents under the Lego Christmas Tree is that a pile of presents would be a wonderful place to leave a rather ‘unchristmasy’ bomb.

Do you think that the Lego Christmas Tree was worth all that trouble? Just look at the terrible tyre marks made by the crane thinly that put it together to say nothing of the school time wasted by the children who ‘helped’ decorate it, surely they would be better off reading err… my books for instance.

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I would like to say thank you to every one of my wonderful cuddly readers who buy my books in their thousands, read my blog, send me presents, offer kind words and do such wonderful things for me (although I am tapping my paw over the Motor Yacht, I have to say).

As the card says Happy Christmas and Purrs to you all.

The Cat

The areas blighted by these ignorant ski slope bullies include most of France, Austria and Italy and unfortunately a lot of the slopes on the west coast of the US.

If you want a nice quiet ski without being knocked over by some idiot who believes that they can ski in-between breaking a leg then the best place to go is, in my case, ‘local.’

There is of course is yet another reason to go ‘local’ this year and that reason is that a lot of the ‘popular’ (and for ‘popular’ just substitute ‘cheap’ ski resorts where the skiing riff raff assemble to knock each other over on the slopes by day and drink each other under the table by night) don’t actually have any snow – something to do apparently with global warming.

Still never mind about the riff raff happily they won’t be skiing where I am going skiing this year or indeed where we took a little Winter hol at the begging of this year, as you can see from the picture below we went to Switzerland at the beginning of the year.

I have to say that Switzerland is a spooky place. While we were up in the Swiss Mountains we decided to take a tour of the many and various Cheese and Watch factories instead of skiing it is amazing what you will do when you get bored isn’t it?

Anyway we hopped on the Snow-Express which is the name for a little coach tour can you imagine our surprise at the name of the tour company? Well happily though of you who are hard of understanding and imagining don’t have to imagine actually or indeed to imagine too hard because it’s on the back of the bright red coach below.

I have to say that after the unusual experience of our little wwwank-tour we felt rather glad to be back on the ski lifts the next day as you can imagine.

I have to say I love ski lifts, probably more than skiing, well you try skiing with four skis strapped to your feet! Skiing is hard enough to do when you just have the two! Although I don’t like the concept of snowboarding I’ve had a go a couple of times now and think that it’s really a way of getting down a snow covered mountain that was probably designed more for Cats to use than for humans. I took to it like a Duck to water.

So this year when I go skiing I won’t be getting someone to lug all of my skis to the slopes I will just get them to carry my snowboard instead.

Although nothing to do with any of the above really, I mentioned that I was going off skiing in the New Year to Špindlerův Mlýn in the Krkonoše Mountains which is one of the highest and the most popular mountain ranges in Bohemia and indeed the Czech Republic’s best known ski areas and a nice group of Czech fans of The Cat who writes blogs made some Cat Cup Cakes just for me, aren’t they nice – the cup cakes and the fans!

About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Cats are only able to see the same colours as a colour blind person these colours are yellows, blues and violets all of which means Cats can’t see reds, greens or oranges. This is because, while the retinas of Cats are similar to humans, they contain two types of light-receptors called rods and cones, humans are different and have more of the cone types than rods and it’s these cones that are responsible for colour vision.

Happily Cats and for that matter Dogs (if they really mattered of course) have more rods and it’s the rods that are the receptors responsible for seeing in the dark.

This means that Cats may have poorer colour vision than humans, but fortunately we have far superior night vision, and as an extra bonus we are so much better at tracking movement all of which means that clever Cats can see things eight times better than mere humans in the dark.

For the Record

It must be stated that Cat’s, unlike Sid the Sunglass Cat (pictured), do not normally wear sunglasses, or should that read – normal Cats do not normally wear sunglasses?

About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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I think I know why I have no idea what the human who made this sign was thinking about because I am a nice Cat and I was not only well brought up but I am also really rather innocent.

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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I don’t know if any of my wonderfully cuddly readers remember my post Nasa Face in Space Update which I published on my wonderful blog in March 4th this year? I am sure they do a lot of people remember blogs from the Cat who writes blogs.

If you remember, that’s great; if not just click the link above and catch up with the rest of us and then do feel free to read on because I have something wonderful to tell you and it will probably be more impressive if you are ‘up to speed’ as they say to the more challenged among us who have a tendency to fall behind.

So now that we are all ‘on the same page,’ which is course yet another euphemism used when talking to the ‘slower ones’ among us now that we can’t use words like ‘remedial,’ ‘monks,”thick’ and so on and so forth, I have something wonderful to tell you!

Yesterday I received my certificate from Nasa which certifies that I took a journey on the second to last Space Shuttle the STS-134 as it’s known among us Catsmonaut’s. Oddly enough the certificate reads that “the face of The Cat has flown in space aboard the Space Shuttle Endeavour on mission STS-134 from May 16 – June 1, 2011.”

Yes that is what I thought it’s an odd way of saying I was there with the guys but you know Americans they do have their own way of tangling with the English language forever wanting it to be more um… ‘American’ bless them.

Yesterday I signed Space Shuttle Program tribute wall because I just wanted to tell NASA how wonderful they are and if you would like to honour the amazing people who helped to design, build and fly the Space Shuttle, not to mention those who emptied the toilets, then you too can sign the wall and pay tribute to the Space Shuttle Program here Space Shuttle Program Tribute Wall.

I honestly recommend that you do this. NASA do an amazing job and I have always wanted to thank them, for not only letting me fly into space on a safe Space Shuttle, but also for the wonderful work they do, thanks NASA and I know that will mean a lot to all of you over there in the US.

About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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The questions range include;

1. Is there any thing I can do to help Dreamworks write either a funny or successful movie (or preferably both) in the future?

2. Is there anything I can do for this turkey of a movie that they have in the Movie houses at the moment?

3. Can I think of anything to do with enormous surplus of ‘Puss In Boots’ merchandise that Dreamworks have.

The sad fact (and I have a feeling that the Cat already knows it judging but his pose in the picture above) is that I can’t help the movie or the people behind it or assist in shifting tons of ‘Puss In Boots’ figures, cuddly toys, action sets. Although I do believe that I could find a use for any ‘Puss In Boots’ toilet paper!

‘Puss In Boots’ the movie suffers from being spun from a rather frail character in a successful franchise, like so many TV series that none of us can quiet remember.

The movie itself suffers from the fact that Dreamworks really doesn’t have any idea what young people find interesting, funny and most of all engaging; indeed I wonder if any grown-ups at Dreamworks asked even just one child if they liked actually liked ‘Puss In Boots?’ And not the one caught up in the obvious regard that they had for the Puss in footwear in Shrek.

The original ‘Puss in Boots’ story always bored the diapers off me when I was a kitten! And I am sure that goes for normal ordinary children as well.

The reason why ‘Shrek’ was so successful was that it was ‘different’ the reason why ‘Puss In Boots’ is a Dog of a movie and has had incredibly disappointing box office receipts is that it is just um, err, well, just that it’s bland, grey, tired, unoriginal – need I say more?

So onto something that is wonderful, colourful, funny, marvellous and the work of a genius and I have to say closer to my heart and will make a small fortune. I am currently looking for funding for a movie based on my first masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and judging by the fact that people with money are idiots and to prove that have invested heavily in a mess of a movie like ‘Puss In Boots’ I am expecting the cash any day.

As far as I can tell I think I have only one problem, and that is that if the idiots with money are prepared to pour so much cash into a Donkey of a project like ‘Puss In Boots’ will they put vast sums of money into something that is brilliantly written, desperately funny, and a work of some considerable genius! It is probably doubtful because that would require taste and imagination!

Can you see that I am face by an awful dilemma! Should I dumb down the script, take out the jokes and worse base my story on a tired nursery rhythm or English Pantomime? And believe it or not there is yet another problem with that scenario!

Are there any tired children’s stories left? Haven’t Disney and Dreamworks animated all of them already and are now at their wits end running around saying “oh no, we have to do something original now!”

Of course that won’t get them anywhere you only have to look at Pixar to see that, they provide movies with amazing technical brilliance, incredible animated tricks and so on and so forth but the storylines tend to be weak.

Just think of any of those dreadful driving movies staring someone called ‘Vin,’ the special effects are um… ‘special’ but that’s as far as it goes. Once you have seen a string of special effects you tend to be immune to them but not to the drone of the movie.

So if you have a few mill or even a few thou don’t let it go to waste, buy a share in what will be the animated movie moment of the century and help fund my wonderful movie as soon as possible so that we can get on with the production of that and the sequel at the same time.

If you need to have a quick read of my wonderful book before you decided to fund my movie then you can get it here Paperback edition of Getting Out at Amazon.com and of course the movie sequel here Paperback edition of The Cat’s Travelogue and do get a move on, I want to start filming as early as possible, I am a Cat who writes blogs who is in a hurry to be the first Cat to win an Oscar.

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Following the sad death of Tommaso’s 94 year old human last month, Tommaso has become a property magnate — or as some would call him a ‘mognate’ — who now owns and manages a handsome property portfolio, and is doing a better job of it than than most bankers, worth an estimated €10m dotted across Italy from Milan in the north to Calabria in the south.

Below is a picture of the view from one of Tommaso’s windows and him looking out over one or two of his properties before lunch.

Unfortunately under Italian law, animals cannot inherit directly which seems rather disgusting for this Cat who writes blogs and who is expecting at least one inheritance any day now if there is anyone out there who isn’t feeling too well and wants to name him, happily this Cat doesn’t live in Italy so do make sure your wills are up to date and that the spelling of the main beneficiary is correct here it’s just for you THE CAT.

Happily there was a little wrinkle in Italian law which has allowed Tommaso to get what was coming to him as long as he had a ‘suitable trustee’ and so Tommaso’s human decided to entrust him and his fortune – to a lady and fellow Cat lover she met in a park and they became firm friends. “Sometimes I’d go to her house so my Cat could play with Tommaso,” Stefania who is now Tommaso’s trustee said.

When Tommaso’s human became too frail to look after herself Stefania, who is a nurse by profession, began to take care of her on a full time basis.

And now Tommaso’s lives with Stefania at an undisclosed address outside Rome, which is well away from the fortune hunters, con-artists and all of the others who think a Cat doesn’t need that sort of sum in a lump?

If you want to make this Cat richer than Tommaso this Christmas and your plans don’t include wills and dying then happily there is a very neat way to do just that and immediately simply click on either or both of the nice Amazonian links below and buy dozens of my books, they make great Christmas present, birthday presents and I have been told even if you don’t like them they make great door stops though you tend to been a pile of at least ten or that is what prince charles said.

http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=thcaswe-20&o=1&p=8&l=as1&asins=1441445609&ref=qf_sp_asin_til&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr

http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=thcaswe-20&o=1&p=8&l=as1&asins=1466357223&ref=qf_sp_asin_til&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr

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To write my masterpieces of Feline Literature, compose wonderful award winning blogs and generally get in most people’s way electronically, I use an Apple Computer, I have used one for years, but I don’t want all of my wonderful cuddly readers to think that I am a computer bore on top of all of the other subjects which I can, and do, bore them with, so I won’t go into just how long I have been a Apple user or at the heartbreak caused by being left out of Steve Jobs Biography completely! But that is another story for another blog I fear.

Right now I want to tell you of the awful problem that I have spent the weekend trying to resolve with my Computer Boffins here at Cat World HQ.

Trying not to sound too dramatic (of course and failing) all I can say is that I have been attacked by a Lion.

The Lion took the form of a so called ‘operating system.’ In fact I spent most of the weekend trying to fix all sorts of madness and confusion that installing Mac OSX Lion caused.

From watching my mouse pointer go backwards to my zippy computer being reduced to the pace of Dave the Cat on a stroll – I probably have to explain here that Dave the Cat hates walking, and even strolling for that matter, I personally think it has a lot to do with the bobble hat, it covers his eyes as you will know if you are a regular reader and if you aren’t I’m not going to help you here, you’ll just delve into my archives and find out the connection for yourself. It’s enough to say that I think I have seen twigs walk faster than Dave the Cat if you ever a manage to trick him into a walk.

There are loads of problems, as I discovered, with Mac OSX Lion and they are all to disappointing and frustrating to mention here frankly, but I will say this I used to love Apple…

Still I think I have managed to sort out most of the problems with the help of my light-fingered boffins – not they aren’t that clever with their hands to be called ‘light-fingered’ the description comes from their habit of pocketing all of my nice little screwdrivers, pens and pencils, still what can you do? As I explain in the book I am writing at the moment which has the working title of ‘The Cat’s Memoir’ (so that you know who wrote it) getting ‘help’ that is useful is practically impossible.

Still to cut a story that seems to be getting longer short when I finished downloading Mac OSX Lion it was very unstable now it is just simply terrible.

I can’t think where I went wrong with Mac OSX Lion! Like an sensible computer user of long standing I am not an early adopter I let other fools rush in and watch their tears at leisure.

Unfortunately I needed to upgrade from the wonderfully cool Snow Leopard to Lion because I wanted to be part of the iPhone,iPod, iPad ‘app’ development process for an ‘app’ that the boffins and I have decided you my dear cuddly readers need and so I had to upgrade to Mac OSX Lion so that I could use the latest app development software.

Mistakenly, but confidently (at the time), I thought that as Lion was on its 10.7.2 incarnation it would be “a-okay” as they say when things are um ‘ok’ I suppose.

Grudingly I paid my real hard earned folding stuff to get a virtual product and like you, I am sure, felt cheated from the moment I watched with a tear rolling down my furry cheek the sum disappear from my bank account electronically, it’s amazing just how that happens, if we tried getting cash in the same way at night I bet we’d fail.

Lion OSX 10.7.2 arrived and I have to say, at the time, I was excited I have rather enjoyed the ‘Cat’ series of Apple Operating Systems and still get excited at the tantalising prospect that the final and ultimate incarnation of this (till now) amazing product could be ‘The Cat OSX’ with a picture of you know who on the box, cover or downloading badge.

Isn’t that picture wonderful? I think so and I am confident that with the final Cat representing the Mac OSX being me The Cat, Apple will go from a company doing quite well to one that is unbelievably successful, but sadly I think we are digressing here, my time like Apple’s will come.

Lion arrived and what can I say? Maybe it should have arrived with a notice like this one from San Diego Zoo……….

Actually I have to say that Mac OSX Lion arrived reasonably quickly thanks to the Czech republic considering that fast broadband was something that would not only prove to be ‘handy’ for everyone but also would help business.

Unlike some backward countries like oh say for instance Cameronland, the island that is now totally isolated from Europe and soon to be free from Scotland and Ireland with any luck but not if the Chief can help it which of course means that it will happen very soon now.

Isn’t it odd that the Chief of Cameronland wants to stick with the ‘Micks’ and the ‘Jocks’ and have nothing to do with the other “Johnny foreigners” in Europe as I believe he calls them.

Still I suppose you can’t moan too much about idiots like the Chief of Cameronland who at least has been elected fairly. Unlike the Gremlin in The Kremlin who at long last has been seen for what he is by the Russian People – I am taking bets that ‘Putin the Bootin’ will be the next thing the hamfisted government will do in ‘free’ Russia, then there will be a ‘Moscow Winter’ followed by a ‘Russian Spring’ and he will be out of the game completely by the ‘Russian Federation Fall.’

Oops did I say we were veering off the point – sorry we have done that again but there is so much going on and without a computer that was working properly thanks to Mac OSX Lion I haven’t been able to see any news, talk to anyone and do all of the rest of the stuff that you expect to be able to do these days.

So here at long last is a nice picture of my Christmas Lights which I managed to put up on my www.wickedlywonderfulwebsite www.thecatsdiary.com at long last. So that it could complement the snow that I mentioned in this blog – blog.thecatsdiary.com/2011/11/27/snow-comes-to-my-website-blog.

Now if only I could get the snow to work on my home page once again I would be a happy Cat, but I probably won’t be happy until ! am free from a certain Lion which seems to have its paw on my head all the time!

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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He has had a trying and very difficult life bless him and it has left him scared of Cats, afraid of the dark, suffering from monophobia, the fear of being alone, he has very sore paws because he suffers from such bad anxiety attacks that he bites his nails in fact he has to wear mittens on his feet to stop him making them worse but worst of all poor Bentley the Border Collie (aged six) desperately needs a new home and we all know that is going to be his biggest challenge because getting a new home is hard enough, but when you are in desperate need of masses of love, companionship and reassurance you might be considered a bit ‘difficult.’

Bentley the Border Collie isn’t difficult in any way though, the main cause of all of his ails is anxiety which started soon after his first human’s death and it didn’t help that his second human was unable to cope with his constant need for reassurance, cuddles and company.

Bentley the Border Collie tends to cower away from Cats, even when they are only on the TV, which suggests that he is not really as cowardly as most humans think and is actually showing a lot of intelligence! Cats are always up for a bit of ‘Boxing’ with a Dog no matter how big they are (the Dogs that is)and Dogs almost always come off worse, but that is only one on one or “Cato a Dogo” as they say in um… err… somewhere ‘Latin!’

Dogs have a tendency for wandering around in packs and a pack of Dogs is a bit of a pawful for any Cat,all of which means it’s a good job we can climb or so this Cat the Cat who writes blogs thinks, but I am veering away from the star of my blog today Bentley the Border Collie.

Unfortunately if the doorbell rings Bentley the Border Collie goes into orbit, yes you guessed it this distressed Doggie is frightened of not only the doorbell but what might also be outside in the dark.

Not all is doom and gloom for Bentley the Border Collie the lady who manages the Dog’s Home where he is currently spending his days, at night he is taken home by one of the carers who at first felt sorry for him and now just enjoys his company, and that is because this blue bow wow’s behaviour changes completely when he is surrounded by humans and happily he loses all his little ways, problems and insecurities.

All Bentley the Border Collie is a bit of love and company a home where at least one person is home for the
most of the day and night. Bentley loves human company both adults and children and when with them will happily play, fetch the usual stuff that fits in a mouth and then snuggle down and curl up on a conveniently situated lap after a long walk.

Bentley the Border Collie just needs is a second chance really he has had a difficult time so far in his short life and needs to forget the trauma of losing a loved one when he was young and enjoy the rest of his life being just a normal Dog let’s hope that this Christmas Bentley the Border Collie finds a home along with all of the other animals who are in shelters.

As it was such a success I have brought back my little Christmas Quiz

Unfortunately the people who won last time can’t enter this time!

Question: Where can you buy copies of my wonderful books?

Answer: Here!

Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary

Paperback edition of Getting Out at Amazon.com

Kindle edition of Getting Out at Amazon.com

The Cat’s Travelogue

Paperback edition of

The Cat’s Travelogue

Kindle edition of The Cat’s Travelogue

All correct answers (written on a postcard) and sent to me at my email address will get a really big prize – no not a Motor Yacht that’s what I want. Mmh it still doesn’t seem as though I have got the quiz format quite right yet! I may try again next week which of course means there will be more prizes up for grabs so do visit my blog again soon. Did I ever tell you I like having you here!

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Sometimes this Cat who writes blogs thinks that as a celebrity in constant demand by an adoring public you just have to get away, go into hiding or use camouflage, Hugh was of the same opinion but tends to think that you can hide from the public in a car parked round the back of a busy well lit street, still it takes all sorts to make the world dizzy doesn’t it?

Between you and me I have been using camouflage for a while now to avoid the glare of the public and the peeping Toms of the press and believe that camouflage is a very wonderful thing.

Just today I was leafing through a copy of my newspaper and spotted a whole section of pictures dedicated to animals and insects who are really rather good at camouflaging themselves.

I have to say that article was an altogether more interesting than another which reported that Madonna, (with an emphasis on the ‘Mad’ she is obviously going through some sort of mid-life experience), said that the duchess of Cambridge (if you don’t know who she is here’s a tip, she’s the anorexic looking newest royal, who depending upon the newspaper you read is expecting one or several babies, if that is true where is the bulge then – in a surrogate?) is “lovely girl with great sense of style.” Sorry Madonna I think it’s time to hang up your sling backs darling cos baby doll you have lost it!

Instead of offering you a picture of the tired but blousy Madonna or the Mousey but skinny duchess of Cambridge I thought I would let my wonderful readers have a gawp at some amazing camouflage pictures I was so impressed with. Not all of them are animals or insects as you will see and for one sadly no amount of camouflage will help her appearance.

So without further ado or character assassination I give you my little tribute to camouflage and the beasts that use it.

To start with how about the Leaf-tailed Gecko, aka the Satanic Leaf-tailed Gecko who blends in wonderfully with a rustle of old brown dried leaves this one lives in the Andasibe-Mantadia National Park in Madagascar?

Or what about a Bat-faced Toad who has taken a tip form the Satanic Leaf-tailed Gecko above and is hiding amongst a crust of dead leaves in the Amacayacu National Park in Colombia?

Then there is the oddly named White Crab Spider sitting on a flower near you, if you happen to live in the south of England or Wales.

Humans can create excellent camouflage if they have the patience and artistic ability, but sadly unlike the animals above when they move the illusion is shattered. Let’s hope that this lady stays still because I think she has forgotten to get dressed this morning!

Lastly, and that is where every one of all of the dozens of English queens, dukes, duchesses, princesses and princes of benefit dependency – the English royal family – would come if they weren’t so privileged, we have the amazing camouflage of the duchess of somewhere that was invented especially to accommodate her.

As you can see she blends in rather well with the soldiers, some might say that she looks the most ‘rugged’ of them all!

Do you like me wonder what she is pointing at around that soldier’s crutch? She seems to be very interested in ‘something’ down ‘there’ don’t you think?

If you want to see more of these overrated royal individuals they can be found posing in army, navy and air force uniforms on state occasions (which makes you wonder if the English state isn’t a military one?).

Oddly enough the royals are almost always dressed up in very high ranking positions in their chosen armed force I wonder just how they earned this exulted ranks? Beats me!

If you want to get a good look at the English royal family the best place to spot them is on holiday somewhere very warm while the British newspapers sing their praises and extoll their virtues at home telling the English people just how hard the royals are working!

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In fact I’m sure that the Titanic which sunk 100 years ago next April 15th was one of the most comfortable liners ever built, what I don’t like is the recent craze of either visiting the wreck or making a yard sale of the bric-a-brac that has been scooped up from wreck site!

Somehow all of that cheapens the suffering and sacrifice of those who either went down with the Titanic deliberately or didn’t have a lot of choice in the matter and yet now you can, if you feel so inclined, buy their coat buttons or the the china they had their last cup of tea ever in sounds disgusting doesn’t it and I bet that it’s all about to get even worse when the centenary year of the sinking arrives in just a few weeks time.

I bet that right now there are millions of hamfisted Chinese workers putting the glaring finishing touches to all sorts of really badly made merchandise, which as they pack it falls apart, that will flood the market for the 100th anniversary of such a tragic event. There will be documentaries, news reports, travelling exhibitions and goodness forbid another version of the movie probably in 3D!

I tell you what there might not be Siamese twins and Bearded ladies in travelling circuses these days but you ‘modern’ and ‘enlightened’ humans still have your own version of that sort of thing don’t you! It’s enough to make a Cat who writes blogs cringe!

There is one item that I recently came across that celebrates the Titanic but happily it wasn’t recovered by grave robbers, it was made this year and best of all it is a lot of fun, it is called the Titanic Lamp and I think I want at least one, it will look great on my motor yacht (which I mentioned a few blogs ago) so if anyone wants to send me a Titanic Lamp do let me know and I will give you a delivery address, oh by the way if anyone wants to send me a motor yacht and they have a very big one to spare, with a Captain and some mates, then do let me know about that too. I know that a lot of my dear cuddly readers want only the best for me so I can’t wait to see my new motor yacht!

If you don’t have a motor yacht to spare then the next best thing would be to buy dozens if not hundreds of my books here The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition, Paperback edition of Getting Out at Amazon.com if you would like ebook editions do use the links at these pages it saves me boring you with loads of links here, yes I am nice aren’t I!

Unfortunately I don’t know exactly how many books or ebooks you have to buy to ensure that I get a nice big motor yacht so just to be on the safe side it might be best to buy a couple of thousand copies each of my books and I’ll let you know how we get on!

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So would someone please tell the Taiwanese that! And if possible do so immediately!

Mind you, if most Taiwanese are anything like the ones who used to constantly call my mobile trying to sell me something that rhymes with ‘rap’ then they probably wouldn’t listen. Their nuisance calls got so bad that in the end the only way I could get rid of them was to pretend that I was my brother and answer the phone with a sob then tell then ten times that I was ‘dead!’

They obviously are a bit hard of understanding in Taiwan because it took me that number of times to sob and blurt out the awful ‘truth’ tee hee.

Do use this tactic on unwanted callers if you are fed up with feeling like a sitting duck with a phone waiting for the next completely unsolicited and unwanted call because there is no other way to stop these dreadful people who intrude upon our lives.

The phone regulator that you and I pay for as a hidden ‘extra’ on our phone bill is desperately useless and usually the people making these nuisance calls have hidden or nonexistent numbers.

You can of course ‘improve’ their English by swearing at them but I have personally found on every occasion I have adopted that tactic that, because of their trade and the number of people who have sworn at them, you really have to stretch your vocabulary to find something new that they haven’t been called before and even that won’t shock them into not calling you in the future!

The Cat would like to wish Mr. George Michael a speedy recovery and tell him when he reads this that, “I like his tunes!”

About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Just in case you aren’t sure the picture above is of the Cern Laboratory and the one below is of my front room, the sofa that scientists have been studying is the leather one on the right!

Cutting through all of the scientific waffle I am happy to let all of my cuddle readers into what until now has been a great big secret, without (hopefully) ruining the scientist’s ‘big day.’ The god particle that the boys and girls at Cern and my from room have discovered is a tiny bit of dandruff that I shed years ago and it’s said that in the hands of a well trained scientist this tiny piece of scientific gold can be used to clone more good looking geniuses like me.

Below is a photograph of my god particle dandruff taken while it was being scanned with a reflection electron microscope, the magnification is about 10,000,000x and that means that what appears to be an alien city, on an alien world with tiny beings inhabiting it, is no threat to mankind whatsoever because the tiny aliens and their world are really so very small. So there would be no point in training any nuclear missiles at my flake of dandruff I promise or indeed any other potential threats from my skin, if I had dandruff these days which I have to stress I don’t thanks to years of hard research by another scientists Dame Eumelanin Wella!

So taking a deep breath I would just like to take a moment with you all my dear cuddly readers for some quiet and maybe a little refection to consider this momentous discovery by the boys and girls at Cern and my front room, err… yes you can hold hands if you want to, but please don’t call me the prophet!

What has been achieved at Cern is… well you know, err… um… big! The whole endeavour is enormous, dangerous some say, but then it would be with so many people from different countries working there wouldn’t it. Whatever Cern is you must all agree it’s spectacular and happily as I have said before it’s built under a part of the world that if it had caused the vortex to open and Zardoz and his screaming minions to leap out not many people would have noticed.

Happily the outcome is one that we can all celebrate and although some are referring to my tiny flake of dandruff as the ‘god particle’ and by association me as ‘godlike,’ I just prefer to think that what has been achieved by the scientists at Cern and in my front room is so far beyond the comprehension of most of us that everyone from believers in the old chap with a snowy white beard, to the one who is an odd colour and has several more arms than one would think anyone could possibly need, to (and even at the risk of a fatwā or two), Allah.

What could be better than that, the scientists are happy, the religious followers will be happy sadly fanatics from the Tea Party to the Taliban won’t be happy with this momentous news, but then until they change their way of looking at the world they will never be happy with anything which is a shame.

It almost goes without saying that I’m happy for everyone involved. Mmh is that a little godlike possibly!

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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After a public outcry earlier this month the Kiev government said it was to stop shooting or poisoning strays animals the authorities claim that stray animals were to be rounded up and taken to animal shelters instead.

However Judith Pein, of the German branch of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), claimed the slaughter was still happening and that “these killings are directly related to Ukraine hosting Euro 2012.” She also commented that, “stray killing is a profitable business.”

Just looking at the conflicting statements from the government of Ukraine you can see just what a bunch of heartless liars they are!

Ukraine Government Press Releases

November 4th 2011 Kiev

Ukraine to build shelters for stray dogs…

Ukraine will build shelters for stray dogs in big cities ahead of the Euro 2012 football championship, the government has announced.

November 18th 2011 Kiev

Environment Minister Mykola Zlochevsky calls for end to stray animals’ killing…

Mykola Zlochevsky Environment Minister has called for an end to stray animals’ killing ahead of the Euro 2012 Soccer Championship

To Date the Killing Goes On

From the Docs4Dogs European Network website Docs4Dogs.org

“Tidy streets” for the European Football Championship 2012 in the Ukraine: Stray Dogs and Cats are burnt alive.

Ukraine in the year 2011: In the last few months there have been mobile crematoria driving around in the streets of Kiev and other districts. The driver and his crews’ duty is to kill stray Dogs and Cats. Occasionally, the animals are burnt alive in these mobile crematoria, where they perish with inexpressible pain.

The background of this cruel “cleanup policy” is the European Football Championship 2012 in the Ukraine: The masses of expected foreign visitors shall not be confronted with stray animals. That is the reason why defenseless animals are beaten to death, poisoned, or burnt alive in these mobile crematoria.

The Union of European Football Associations [UEFA] also strongly criticises the public authorities in the Ukraine for these actions, and has offered them a financial support for castrations of stray cats and dogs to enable animal rights activists to solve the problem of stray animals in a responsible and humane way. Until now, the public authorities of the Ukraine have only shown negative reactions towards the protests of animal rights activists: They are putting animal rights activists under pressure by asking them to stop the international protests.

Do sign the petition but please don’t feel obligated to donate to Docs4Dogs (I have ‘cleaned’ their donate button off the picture above). I have to stress that the Cat who writes blogs is not endorsing the work of Docs4Dogs.org in anyway whatsoever just the fact that they, like me, care about the welfare of animals (especially Cats in my case) the only difference is that I don’t ask for donations, I might of course occasional suggest you buy a book, and even use a bit of emotional blackmail, but a Cat has got to live and keep a roof over his head these days because it’s a bad time to be a stray.

Personally I don’t like the in your face attitude of most multinational charities who seem these days to believe that they have some sort of divine right to the hard earned cash in your pocket! Oh yes a lot of them say that they stand for change and then you discover that they have financial agreements and contracts with all sorts of unsavoury entities including but not exclusive of governments.

Finally if you are a football supporter I hope you will ask yourself if you really should be watching the European Football Championship 2012 in the Ukraine when you consider the suffering of in excess of 20,000 animals.

Some of the matches are being played in Poland and there are no Animal Holocausts being carried out in Warsaw or other Polish cities, so if want to watch a European Football Championship 2012 match do please go to one in Poland you may well find that the people there are much nicer than Ukrainains!

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Even though I do try to stop a fart appearing now and again in my books and blogs, the Cat who writes blogs couldn’t resist this photograph which I think should be entitled Where To Shop For A Small Explosion that being the first bit of the first line of the definition of a ‘fart’ in the 26 or so volume Oxford English Dictionary which adds that “the small explosion takes place between the legs” bless them – the dictionary people not the farters you understand!

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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The picture comes from the ultra modern high rising cement constructed emirate of UAE and brought back all sorts of dreadful memories of a place where the contradictions of life are many, various and confusing to say nothing of their translations into English!

Imagine spending $20 billion on an hotel – imagine the Burj Khalifa – and then try to imagine why you wouldn’t spend $20 on correctly translating a sign from Gulf Arabic to English, if you can do that then you can imagine just what life is like in Dubai or the UAE!

The UAE is a place where ‘foreigners’ are loathed, but welcomed so that they can fill the seven star hotels and try their hardest to buy at least a tenth of all of the dreadful modern and over priced real estate that has been thrown up for them on newly created ‘islands’ in the middle of enormous lagoons which are now sadly sinking back into the depths of the lagoons from where they were dredged up.

The UAE is a place that likes to pretend that it is modern, go ahead and forward thinking but can’t do more than pretend, take a recent innocent example of a multinational shoe manufacturer (Puma) who thought that the very rich inhabitants of the UAE and the tourists, who troll around the place gaping at the enormous buildings, pleasure parks and the greater number of building sites where construction has ground to a halt, would like a pair of trainers with the UAE flag plastered all over them.

These ‘special edition shoes’ (whatever that can possibly mean) were intended to mark the 40th UAE National Day. All that Puma had to do was to make them and put a stupidly high price on them ($190 because they are special I suppose), stick them in their own stores and ‘bam’ they would be a few million dollars richer even if half of the products sold would have to be returned because they were so badly made in China.

Well it was a brilliant marketing plan what could go wrong?

What went wrong was simple the very conservative inhabitants of the UAE didn’t like the the fact that the nations flag colours were being used on shoes!

At this moment it might be a good idea to cast your mind back to the Iraq war, just at the end when America was being thanked and celebrated before the Iraqis changed their minds, when the enormous statue of old walrus face was toppled and locals started hitting it with their shoes.

Then a short while later after the Iraqis had forgotten all about the repression of the old ways under the tough guy with the big soup strainer and more importantly who had rescued them from torture and terrible moustaches some idiot threw a shoe at Pres. Georgie B, can you see a pattern emerging here?

For some reason in the Arab world, best known only to Arabs, feet and footwear are considered dirty, the Cat who writes blogs thinks that it is such a shame that there isn’t more widespread use shoe polish and foot baths in the Arab world as that surely would sort of solve little problems like this and then the UAE could make a better pretence of being what it pretends to be – a modern country that is a great place for tourists and second home owners. Because as incidents like this demonstrate currently the mind set of the people is still firmly entrenched in prehistoric Wadi mud, remember the Cat who writes blogs is just a Cat and Cats aren’t as clever as humans! Are they? But I have to say this I am glad that Cats have Paws and not feet and never wear shoes, unless they are dressed up by idiot humans – but that is the subject of another blog and nothing to do with this one!

Just imagine for a moment if we were so precious about the British Union Jack or the American Stars and Stripes, we would have tacky mugs, tea towels and souvenir shop rubbish in general, Jimi Hendrix’s masterpiece of guitar playing the ‘Star Spangled Banner’ would be lost forever and we would never have had anything to roll our ‘herbal’ cigarettes in at college would we?

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